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Thursday, October 01, 2009

They turned me Muslim

I need your help.

The White House wasn't painted black as a result of last Friday's Islamic Prayer Event, but something much more terrible happened. Their prayers turned me Muslim. Worse yet, I'm one of those wimpy kind of Muslims, the kind who think compassion is the answer to everything. They're like those damned beatitudes-preaching Episcopalians except they pray more.

It's all about the Five Pillars to them: submit to God, help the poor, pray five times a day, fast for a month, and make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once. I don't get to do any of the really cool things like the more Southern-Baptist-like radical Muslims do. No waging war on non-believers. No stoning the Gay or beating immodest women. No hating at all. I might as well be a Unitarian.

Dammit. I want to get back to worshipping my angry, kick ass Jesus. I want to follow the Messiah who kicked money-changer butt, the Savior who teaches redemption through war, the Lamb who hates the Gay and the unbeliever, the Redeemer who packs heat, the Lord who commanded she bears to eat the 40 children who called His prophet, Mr. "bald head." I want to be reborn as a Christianist.

You can all help me by holding your own prayer event at the Capitol. If it worked for them, it'll certainly work for you.

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  1. General, sir! Say it isn't so! It hurts my heart to think of you in danger of hellfire. Perhaps you should spend some quality time with Pastor Anderson. Or, my new fave, Pastor Melissa Scott. She'll bring you back to Jesus in a hot minute, I guarantee!

  2. At least they didn't turn you into a newt...

  3. They're like those damned beatitudes-preaching Episcopalians except they pray more.

    They probably drink less, too.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.