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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Poke not the short in their eyes

Jules Moore
Youth Pastor
The Father's House

Dear Pastor Moore,

I'm what you might call a fan of old school rap. You know what I mean, like that song, The Rapper by The Jaggerz. But I have to tell you, I'm loving this "Christian Side Hug" rap thing your youth group is doing. Man, is it groovy!

I think you're on to something here. Your youth group has the talent to make morality-promoting hip hop its own genre. Just look at them. They really sell the idea that frontal hugs are a form of fornication and a hug from behind is outright sodomy. And the song's threat that such acts will solidify the “Democratic shift in Congress” is as scary as a working man with health care.

I also enjoyed the subtle anti-masturbation message in the parts where they grab their thingies. It's like they go for one stroke and then quickly let loose as if the Lord, God of Abraham, had seared their palms with fiery hair.

Still, it could have been better. I'm not sure a side hug is the most chaste form of contact. I get all sorts of wicked thoughts just thinking about it. It's why I'm banned from three legged races. Dammit, I didn't mean to poke the Pastor in the eye with my mighty rod of hope, and he shouldn't have been kneeling on the finish line anyway.

You should go with a greeting that is a little less sexually arousing--perhaps something biblical, like when that woman washed Jesus' feet with her hair. Nothing sexual about that. I'm sure Jesus didn't accidentally poke a little person in the eye afterward; His little Redeemer just flopped around in his drawers while he kicked back and had a smoke.

That's the kind of contact your youth group should be promoting.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

ps: Please keep an eye on that one assistant youth pastor. He looks kind of funny to me.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. General, Sir:

    It's your blog and all, you can do whatever you like (well, in private, anyway) but, when you imbed videos, you really orta label 'em. This one shoulda has "NSFPWHAFTIMW" (Not Safe For People Who Have ANY Fucking Taste In Music). I mean that shit is like Pat Boone on steroids. Sorry, Sir, but I calls 'em like I hears 'em.

    If you do nothing else, Sir, please ensure that these kids never "hook up" with Hi Caliber, the "Ace Of Base" rapper. That is a pairing too horrible to even contemplate.

  2. I think a more chaste form of contact would be the Transylvanian salute used in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, the touching of fingertips followed by the rolling together of forearms.

    It is demonstrated thus:

  3. I'm sorry, Sir. I tried to watch but at about the 20 second mark, had to hit the pause/stop button. It's too early on a holiday eve to risk making myself sick.

  4. Simply put and from my heart. FUCK.WHITEY.

  5. I might donate... when you apologize for your graphic blaming half the country's politics for a man who we now know committed suicide.

  6. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  7. Christopher Taylor:

    WTF are you talking about.

  8. Wow... Talkin' 'bout a turkey!

  9. I love that they rap about Obama and the shift left. Cause when I think about religious rap, I think about well informed political participation.

  10. Hey, I tried to donate but your bullshit Paypal button doesn't work. Post the e-mail account or something... or don't you like free money?

    That video sucks to high heaven. Ugh. I'm going to go listen to my Susan Boyle CD and clear my palette.

  11. When I was in high school it didn't matter what kind of hug I gave or received--front, back or on the side, my dick went boing-boing without any warning whatsoever. Yeah, it hurt. Fuckin 'a it hurt.


  12. Christopher Taylor,

    JFK committed suicide?

  13. Yes, of course! It was JFK himself on the grassy knoll all along!

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  16. I think the suicide reference is to Jesus. Whilst he did not nail himself to a tree, the way that sneaky Governmentocensufascist fellow did Down South, Jesus committed the 0th-Century equivalent to "suicide by cop." Let's call it "suicide by centurion." He knew it was dangerous to enter Jerusalem and make a lot of trouble with his smart-mouthing, but He did it anyway. He has no one to blame but Himself. Knowing that takes some of the fun out of blaming the Jews, doesn't it?

  17. Just as JFK must have known Dallas, Texas, was a hotbed of corrupt cops, Dixie-fried mobsters, former LBJ mistresses, slack-jawed yokels and sun-roasted nuts. The parallels to Jesus couldn't be more explicit if Jack had ridden into town on an ass and tossed the moneychangers out of the Dallas Trade Mart.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.