The Father's House
Dear Pastor Moore,
I'm what you might call a fan of old school rap. You know what I mean, like that song, The Rapper by The Jaggerz. But I have to tell you, I'm loving this "Christian Side Hug" rap thing your youth group is doing. Man, is it groovy!
I think you're on to something here. Your youth group has the talent to make morality-promoting hip hop its own genre. Just look at them. They really sell the idea that frontal hugs are a form of fornication and a hug from behind is outright sodomy. And the song's threat that such acts will solidify the “Democratic shift in Congress” is as scary as a working man with health care.
I also enjoyed the subtle anti-masturbation message in the parts where they grab their thingies. It's like they go for one stroke and then quickly let loose as if the Lord, God of Abraham, had seared their palms with fiery hair.
Still, it could have been better. I'm not sure a side hug is the most chaste form of contact. I get all sorts of wicked thoughts just thinking about it. It's why I'm banned from three legged races. Dammit, I didn't mean to poke the Pastor in the eye with my mighty rod of hope, and he shouldn't have been kneeling on the finish line anyway.
You should go with a greeting that is a little less sexually arousing--perhaps something biblical, like when that woman washed Jesus' feet with her hair. Nothing sexual about that. I'm sure Jesus didn't accidentally poke a little person in the eye afterward; His little Redeemer just flopped around in his drawers while he kicked back and had a smoke.
That's the kind of contact your youth group should be promoting.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
ps: Please keep an eye on that one assistant youth pastor. He looks kind of funny to me.
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