Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Sucking it up for Jesus

Sen. Chris Buttars
Utah State Senate

Dear Sen. Buttars,

You warned us awhile back that the gay is "the greatest threat to America going down,” and now, unfortunately, it looks like you're fulfilling your own prophecy.

It must have been very hard for you to admit, "I don’t want ‘em stuffing it down my throat all the time." But it's important for you to know you're not alone; it's a humiliation many of us have to swallow every day.

It happens to me every time I go to my favorite biker bar, The Manhole. It's a manly kind of place. Everyone wears the meanest-looking leathers you've ever seen. But in the bathroom, there's this curious hole in the end stall's wall. It's a couple of inches in diameter and placed a little below belt level. I always peek into it to see what's on the other side, but every time I get my face down there, some guy pokes his little biker through it and into my mouth.

Now I'm not stupid. I know he wants me to give him one of those things they call a "blow job," so I outwit him by sucking as hard I can--I mean really sucking hard; so hard I steal his essence. It must hurt like hell. The moaning is horrendous. Heck, it's such an unpleasant experience, a lot of them start praying to the Lord for forgiveness, breathlessly shouting ooooooooooh God, oooooooh God, oh God, Jesus, God, before I'm finished with them.

It's a lot like fellowshipping if you think about it.

You might give it a try.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: The Buttars Legacy.

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14 comments:

  1. Down the throat it goes, my dear
    Down the throat it goes
    They'll shove it down
    When they're in town
    Down the throat it goes!

    (from "Down the Throat It Goes and Other Nursery Rhymes"--published by Freudian Slip Press)

    ++++

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  2. why do we have to hate everybody who's not like us? I do not understand how we can advocate love from hate...

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  3. I do enjoy the inability of those blinded by hate to select verbage for their phrases and titles, i.e. "stuffing it down my throat", "teabagging", etc.

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  4. Your work bringing the boys to Jesus is commendable indeed General sir!

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  5. Oh, that was you?

    Sorry about the taste but asparagus is just so delicious. I can't stop eating it.

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  6. i see thanx you vry nice post alışveriş

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  7. My Senator, a man of very little brain, knows what he's talking about because he meets with the gays often. Only this week he said, "I met with the gays here in my house not too long ago." The gays held a big rainbow party for him last year, Buttarspalooza, but apparently he couldn't come.
    -Lumi

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  8. I just found your reviews on Amazon and spent the last 1/2 hour laughing my ass off. I think the neighbors think I'm coming unhinged.

    I have a vagina, but I still think you're funny! Ergo... I think there's something sinister at play...Your sexual wiles and off-color humour don't fool me. You obviously have magical-homo powers and I think it's unfair to use your caustic wit against the unwitting public, namely, Conservatives and Porcupines. They are the most unwitting public I know.

    Stop, stop! I say!

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  9. Dear Portugese not-man,
    Our General is a true renaissance man! Not only is he a missionary, as the above post proves, but as you yourself have discovered he is also a prominent literary critic. He is a true warrior-poet

    You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean, sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say "Hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say "Do you know that 'con' is the middle word in conservative? Do you know that "if" is the middle word in "life"? 'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you'..." – I mean, I'm no, I can't – I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas – I mean –the General is a great man, but he is not a homosexual. That Cletus fella is damn liar.

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  10. General, Sir:

    I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. Oh, it's not the teh GAY stuff. I mean, hell, I've been on a few campouts and such. This ain't my first rodeo pole dance. But, we got us a great little bar of our own, the "Feelin' Good Gents' Club" where a fella can wet his whistle in more ways than one. I thought all them late nights you were out at torchlit rallies or Skull&Bones sessions. Consider us for your next "outing", Sir.

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  11. Rev. That's my favorite part of that movie.

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  12. well it certainly put mr.Hopper back on the map in Hollywood

    It's one of my favorite bits too, along with the tiger.

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  13. I'm glad to see that that South Park, Colorado, lad from the documentary cartoon series has found gainful employment in Utah. I was concerned that someone with his naivete and lack of wit might encounter hard times in the job market. Well, times may be hard, but Sen. Buttars obviously has them well in hand -- or elsewhere, as the case may be.

    Thanks to the General also for exposing the dastardly lengths to which homos will go to force their manhood upon you, just as that queerbo Minnesota cop silently incited Sen. Larry Craig to dwell on the gay while he was innocently trying to use the toilet. Damn them all! Good on the General for coming up with a brilliant recommendation for getting a little 'payback' for those unwanted dickly intentions.

    In my local biker bar, they've been known to depants heteros in the latrine from behind and stick their man-gland where the moon don't shine -- they're in for a big surprise when a manly straight fellow repeatedly rams his ass back against this foul intrusion while displaying his boldly erect phallus -- these lisping limp-wrists are so shocked it clean takes their breath away! When they leave the men's room spent and exhausted, you can bet they'll be thinking twice before they play the 'beast with two backs' with a real man ever again!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.