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Friday, December 11, 2009
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The Opinion "To be a Christian necessarily means that the individual seeks philosophical, moral and spiritual harmony with the ineffable source of the manifested Universe" has died after a brief, two thousand year illness. The Opinion leaves behind millions of judgmental, stone-throwing, mote-in-their-enemy's-eye-seeking, homophobic, self-righteous, hypocritical, fear-based, dualistic followers without benefit of a high-horse to sit upon. Pity, that.
Born and raised in the Middle East (before taking up quarters in Rome) the Opinion eschewed formal schooling and practiced instead the art of wagging its finger, tilting back its head, furrowing its brow, arching its eyebrows and shifting its legs while telling anyone who listened that God was love and if you didn't believe it you would burn in an everlasting lake of fire. After looking down its nose at anyone who believed differently it brought its message of hope and terrifying anguish to the New World, cloaking the natives in shame and disease while spraying its urine on the local belief systems.
The Opinion eventually went on to give strength and comfort to its adherents in the New Land, people who didn't have the slightest idea why men had penises and women had Georgia O'Keefe paintings as their respective reproductive organs. An added bonus was that the contents of the Christian Bible were just contradictory enough to make the believers forget about fucking for upwards of forty-five minutes at a time, depending on the season. Another bonus to the theological fixations of New World Christians was their learning how bronze age Jews weren't nearly as funny as their descendants, but the Old Testament Yahweh wasn't exactly a shopping cart of laughs either, so there you go.
The Opinion spent its remaining years casting about for enemies in all shapes and sizes: gay marriage, women's right to sovereignty over their own bodies in a secular society, global warming, the scientific theory of evolution (as opposed to the non-scientific assertions of Genesis) to name but a few. As time passed, and as more and more self-described Christians behaved like the horny, avaricious little demons they claimed to despise, the Opinion could no longer sit in judgment on others without breaking into a deep and abiding guffaw. The Opinion passed away on December 8th of this year during a final fit of accidental self-reflection. It leaves millions of survivors in a collective state of abject reality.
In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion ask that you judge others, cast stones, treat people poorly, do not tend to the poor or the sick, never turn your cheek, and don't treat anyone the way you would treat the titular head of your own belief system. That which you do for the least of them is your own dirty little problem.
The Opinuary Column appears just about every gosh-darn Friday at Jesus' General.