Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The turn indicator switch in your car is not there for decorative purposes" has died. As it turns out, the turn indicator in our automobiles is there to hang jewelry and small scarfs upon, though it can be employed to wink at other vehicles when you are feeling horny. Seems like it was only last year when the Opinion was left on for about two hundred miles during a drive in Aunt Maude's Pontiac and expired just as she shifted into third gear. What a gal.

The Opinion was born during a simpler time in America, when racism and the subjugation of the female were a birthright of white men of all creeds, when the dream of driving a really fast car into a wall at full throttle thrilled every boy down to the bottom of his pants. America could go farther, faster, and leave a bigger stain than just about any other lover on the planet. The turn indicator was the only splotch on that manly record, as the act of letting others know just what your intentions were as a driver was a sure sign of weakness, of femininity, of repressed Democrat longings. Grandpa didn't call Kruschev on the phone to let him know when he planned to invade, and the same goes for us and that Putin guy, who Sarah Palin eyes hungrily as she watches him backing his Moskvich 410 into his garage.

Services for the Opinion will be held at some unknown date in the future, and you're just going to have to figure out what that day is for yourself. Not gonna tell you where the memorial will be held either. That would be weak. Should the services swerve into your unincorporated part of the county just be thankful it was manly enough to suppress any gay commie ideas about "sharing" and "oh, don't hit me, Mr. Big American" when it laid its rubber on your road. The next time you're on the freeway, and you feel like moving your fat ass across three lanes of traffic like a Sharpie skating across a sheet of Dundler Mifflin's finest, think about your country first, and then go for it--but don't signal. Remember: we're all in this separately.



  1. I once went at The Observant Texan because he rather smugly thought he outsmarted some commie pinko with seven words.

    So I put the boots to him. In my arguments, I alluded to how civilization, even American civilization, was based on the fundamental premise of co-operation. He rather imperiously dismissed the notion. I've come to realize that he did so because of his 'God given rights'. He didn't owe anything to anybody: it was his birthright.

    The best way to 'fix' this wog's head would be to banish him from society. Like that, the Big Guy can look after his sorry ass.

    P.S. His blog is now by invite only. Perhaps too many people similarly kicked his self-important carcass.

  2. This is just fine with me. My rear turn signals haven't worked in months.

  3. Does this hold true for brake lights also?

  4. Why stop with turn signals? Those damn traffic lights need to get with the decorative program, too! What's with red, yellow, green? Always the same colors, and always in the same timing sequence! Let's get some burgundies and deep emeralds for winter some neon pinks and chartreuse in the summer. Let's change up the sequence and have them randomly light up! And oh; the placement! Can we get some lights along the side of the street, or maybe actually shining up out of the street instead of always at street corners? Geez, you'd think the place was decorated by a bunch of straight guys, always putting everything in the same place, always at right angles!

  5. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    You know that I, in my capacity as the General's chauffer and chief mechanic have done some pretty spiffy "conversions" on various vehickular platforms. But I gotta tell ya, that Mucusilage 410 looks like the result of some exhaust pipe copulatin' tween a Hummer and a Studebaker. I'd say it's either a Hummerbaker or a Studebummer.

  6. Crick, you'd like Switzerland. There, the red lights start blinking moments before they turn green. That's so the Swiss drivers can get prepared to launch, instead of having a time lag of microseconds when the light changes. Those efficient Sweitzers -- they should be running the world! Actually, they probably already are, but they let the rest of us THINK that we're in control...

  7. You should cover this topic for next week's opinuary:


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.