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Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Silicone Dream Deferred

Maggie Gallagher
Institute for Marriage and Public Policy
National Organization For Marriage

Dear Mrs. Gallagher,

Another beauty queen ally in our Glorious War Against Those Who Stuff Homosexualism Down Our Throats (GWATWSHDOT) is in trouble. The City of Beverly Hills renounced any relationship it had with Miss Beverly Hills, Lauren Ashley, after she cited Leviticus and advocated executing homosexualists.

Without your help, this shameful assault on this young Christian woman could destroy her chances to achieve her full beauty queen potential. After all the trouble with Carrie Prejean, this poor woman has no chance of getting the boob job awarded to past Miss Californias should she win that contest. And now that she's been rebuked by the City of Beverly Hills, plastic surgery's silicone valley, the doors to the best boob engineering facilities in the world are closed to her.

It's up to you to provide her with the tahtahs she needs to continue to fight for the God-ordained right to commit righteous genocide. You have the resources to fund an emergency breast augmentation trip to India. You must use them.

But first, you may want to ckeck the internets tubes for nude photos and sex videos. You don't want to go through that Prejean mess again.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. What do you suppose it takes to be named an Honorary Homosexualist?

  2. Lauren Ashley has not yet learned the subtle ways of Sodom: she must use her talents of regurgitating antediluvian dogma sparingly for a time, until the sky is filled with the vision of Returnable Jesus. Then she may gnash her teeth, pull her hair, kick nancy boys, spew foam from her mouth, vomit blood and murder secularists to her heart's delight.

    The time for her richly deserved plastic hooters will come, in the house of the father, who enjoys tits that bounce back with alacrity.

    Praise be to all who have been engorged on the fat of revealed truth! Praise be to all who remind us to kill god's children!


  3. MJS: Whaddaya get for a Returnable Jesus these days? Is it 5¢ or 10¢? ’Cuz I got, like, a case of Returnable Jesuses in the garage …

  4. Miss Lauren Ashley is demonstrating the political prowess that heretofore we have only seen in our dear Mrs. Palin. When trying to attain one's goals, primitive bloodlust tribal support is a valuable primary resource for opening doors. The only place this valuable bloodlust is to be found in copious quantities is the far-right. We are proud to be so sought after. Proud to have so little intellectual curiosity that we have burned all the books that someone higher up in our pyramid scheme told us to burn. Proud to raise pitchforks and torches, even though the sun is at high-noon and farms were taken over by corporations long ago (But we are angry at homos, instead of corporations. This is as it should be.)

    Miss Lauren has learned early how to sound the dog whistle that matters. Let the drooling begin! Awwwoooooooo!

  5. If only the pageant officials would let her execute one of those sodomiterrists on live TV, that would do wonders for the ratings! Especially if it was done in an appropriately Biblical way, like stoning. Only, she'd have to use just a couple of big stones, so the skull would split open quick. You do it the old-fashioned way, by flinging fist-sized rocks at a person's head for a couple of hours until their brains leak out, the TV audience will get bored.

  6. Dave von Ebers: I shoved Returnable Jesus into the recycling machine at the local Fred Meyer (it's an Oregon thing). I got 25 cents, some dirty looks, and just about a holy bucket of necrotic wine stains on my Chuck Taylors. All in all an interesting afternoon.


  7. Geez mjs, too bad we don't know how to change wine into water. I guess it's a first century thing.

  8. I can turn wine into water. Warm, yellow, salty water. Only that trick works better at turning beer...

  9. Even her name it retarded. She has two first names!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.