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Friday, March 05, 2010
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The Opinion "While American Christians continue to struggle to come to grips with their rampant homophobia, hypocrisy, and constant judging of their fellow human beings, the real menace to a world that needs aid and assistance is liberal snootiness and snobbishness" has died as a result of a backhanded bitch-slap, also known as Collateral Smashness.
The Opinion was believed to have been born at the first Council of Bishops in Nicaea in A.D. 325 (where it was decided that god must be kept distant and outside of the world, lest the people get any funny ideas about an immanent experience of the ineffable) where it lived an idyllic childhood awaiting the discovery of the Americas some eleven hundred and seventy years later. With the New World offering excellent opportunities to prosper in the sugar cane, tobacco and cotton industries, many Christians came on board and participated in the enforced slavery of Africans, who laughed and sang all day in the serene Eden that was the New World. Through human ownership Christians could bond even closer with their lord and savior, who had taken the whips (and much scorn) on his march to Calvary much the same way the brutalized human property of American Christians had themselves enjoyed.
The Opinion's final years were bittersweet as church attendance dropped while self-described believers increased in number: more and more people came to believe that god loved them and wanted them to have lots of guns at home and in the campground, also allowing that their heavenly father wasn't keen on them being treated for pre-existing conditions by their healthcare provider. The creeping suspicion that True Believers were being played for saps by wealthy, vested interests was stymied when it was reported that atheists were snooty and snobby, global warming was a fiction and that dinosaurs had walked the earth with Barry Goldwater. To have suggested to True Believers that the world was not a child's nursery, a madly littered garden filled with the toys of a personal creator god, would have made you a spoilsport poopy head and doo-doo butt nose. Don't smirk, asshole.
In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion ask that you consider walking the streets of America with hot branding irons, burning them into the blasphemous flesh of those who dare not to believe (literally!) the Levantine variant of the dying and resurrected hero-god myths. And make that branding iron stick out by having it transfer the letter "A" onto the skins of the snooty, snobby minority. If you can keep your head while all those around you are losing theirs and blaming it on you then you are probably one of those stuck-up, elitist liberal types. Should our Lord Jesus Christ offer you a tumbler of Sangria don't start blathering about bouquet or how it would go well with the right Camembert. Just down it quickly and shut up before it turns back into blood.
The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.
No Middle Eastern Gods were harmed in the writing of this Opinuary Column.