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Friday, March 19, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "You should listen to Glenn Beck, and do what he tells you to do!" has passed away while visiting relatives in Utah. Cause of death has been listed as terminal asphyxiation as a result of choking on a stick of white chalk. The Opinion was believed to be eight or nine years of age.

The Opinion's last public appearance was March 18th, when it reminded everyone who was willing to listen that Mr. Beck knows the mind of the metaphorical abstraction often referred to as the Lord and has the inside track on how fast Jesus was traveling when he blasted off from earth some 2,000 years ago.*

In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion ask that you poke yourself in the eye until tears come out. Or smear Vicks® VapoRub® ointment just above your cheekbones. Remember, if you can fake sincerity, you can pass for human!


The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.

*Just after His resurrection, Jesus Christ was clocked at 183,000 miles per second, a World Redeemer record!



  1. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I think that Mr. Bek actually gets that "jaggy eye" look from sniffing the Preparation H that he smears all over his head prior to shoving it up his ass.

    BTW, Sir, I know we got Crying Baby Jesus and Republican Jesus, but here's a new one for us. I just got back from running some errands and found a piece of literature from those nice Jehovah's Witness folks. I opened it up and there's a likeness of the Majik Jew in there. Only he ain't no blond sissymary lookin' guy or even a swarthofascist. No, he's lookin' pretty buff, his robe has a nice drape, the crown-o-thorns looks like he coulda got it from "Lidz" and his thews are mighty manly. He's "Smokin' Hot Jesus!", Sir.

  2. I secretly hold on to the hope that Glen Beck's whole persona is just an extension of his stand-up comedy and someday soon he's going to give us the punch line.

  3. demo: I got the same flyer. Apparently Jesus has a personal trainer. And a beard trimmer.

    Thomas: Andy Kaufman is Glenn Beck. Sorry not to have shared that earlier--lawyer's advice.


  4. re: tears
    Just don't blink, your eyes will dry out and start to water.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.