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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Cheetah and the Bears

Terri Leo
Texas Sate School Board

Dear Mrs. Leo,

Back in the 7th grade, I had a metal shop teacher who everyone called Cheetah. He earned the nickname because he looked like Tarzan's chimp sidekick.

A scarred, hairless patch on one cheek bore testament that he was also a bit of an eccentric. It was the result of an invention gone bad, and maybe that's a good thing, because the libislamunistofascists would try to outlaw a gasoline-powered shaver anyway.

We kids were pretty mean to Mr. Cheetah. The school stopped serving bananas because the peels were always left in front of his shop door.

Often, before class, we'd turn the soldering irons around so that the handles were placed inside the furnace. Once they were heated until almost glowing, we'd turn them back around to their normal position. You'd think he'd learn, but he fell for it every time. He'd start doing a demonstration on proper soldering techniques by grabbing hold of the soldering iron. then he'd scream, throw it to the floor, and run to the wash basin using words that made us good Mormon boys blush. This went on for years. We had learned it from older brothers and cousins.

We did this because we were not taught the biblical values that would make us to respect our elders. Secularislamunistofascists said teaching religion violated the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment to the Constitution, so we were left without God's guidance in our scholarly endeavors.

But you're changing that. You're bringing biblical and conservative values into the Texas curriculum. I'd like to be a part of that.

I've developed a system for teaching respect that is based on 2 Kings 2:23-24. You know the story. A bunch of kids taunt Elisha by calling him "thou bald head," and he uses the power of the Lord to summon a pair of she-bears to eat them, or as God said it, "tare forty and two children of them." It's a great tale and an even better lesson in respect.

I've purchased a couple of bears from a circus. All I need now is a contract and a list of the schools where I'll be working.

Can we set up a meeting to discuss it?

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and thoroughly she-bear-mongering kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. in god we trust, dear lord, dear lord
    he loves us, yes, he cares
    and if the young ones mock a man
    he'll kill them with some bears

    the bears he sends are ravenous
    violent and strong
    they're hired guns for goodness sake
    tearing right from wrong

    in god we trust, dear lord, dear lord
    beneath him we do play
    but we might have to keep it down
    if he's in a mood today


  2. Do you think it's any coincidence that that heathen Mary-worshipping Papist John F. Kennedy was shot at by a sniper hiding in the Texas School Book Repository?

  3. It's all well and good for Sister Leo to sic she-bears on the boy-children, but I think there should be a pair of he-bears to put some Scooter Libbying on the wicked little girls. We could even call it "scootering." That would teach 'em good, and it would be fun to watch! I'd even videotape it. It's not child pornography/bestiality; it's morality training!

  4. Jeff:

    Depository. Texas School Book Depository. But your point is certainly well-taken.

  5. Suppository. The Texas School Book Suppository. [/snark]

  6. We tried to do something similar to our band teacher but he never fell for it. He just kept yelling things like, "Who put the fucking tuba in the furnace!?"

  7. Don’t let Stephen Colbert know you’ve got bears on the premises. You know how he feels about bears.

    Which reminds me of my all-time favorite “Far Side” comic, which had these two kind of snotty looking boys tossing a bear cub back and forth, and in the background you can see the mother bear approaching. The caption read: “And the Anderson twins were never heard from again.” Actually, that’s my second favorite, but my real favorite isn’t apropos at all.

  8. General, Sir:

    Ain't that fine young filly the one that was performin' the stallion milkin' segment over at the club last week?

  9. The Texas School Book Suppository

    Wow, a school book suppository would make fisting seem like a walk in the park...

  10. The Texas School Book Suppository

    it has to be a suppository, how else will they be able to read the books, what with all their heads planted firmly up their asses.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.