Elitist undergrads armed with fancy high school diplomas set out to embarrass Our Lady of the Least Common Denominator this week by leaking one of her speaking contracts to the media. The contract required the University of California, Stanislaus to provide Sarah Palin with first-class air fare for two, three rooms at a luxury hotel, and two water bottles equipped with bendy straws.All that might seem a bit extravagant at first glance, but it's easily justified if one applies a little teabagologic to the demands.
Non-flexible straws are one of the tools Satan uses to tempt men into immorality. We see the end of one pressed against a woman's lips and strange, lurid, Democratic, Klintonesque ideas crowd out the thought in our heads. The next thing we know, we're grabbing a can of Ready-Whip and heading out to the calf pen and our eternal damnation. Bendy straws just make us think, "ouch."
As for first-class air fare, she offered an alternative: a charter jet larger than a Lear 60. So it's not like shes saying "Fly me first class or else." Well, OK, she is, but she'll still speak if you give her the "or else."
Finally, there's the three rooms--one of them a suite--for two people. This one's very easy to explain once you apply a little teabagoreason. Sarah wants to ensure there's always be at least one room between her and Russia.
I think she has a case of teabagarrhea. Perhaps she'll runny in 2012 and drip all the way to 2016.
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ReplyDeleteI stole this from the comments in the NY Times cause, hey, why not?
ReplyDeleteBendable straws: Perfect description of Mrs. Palin. A malleable, yet hollow instrument whose only function is to suck....
The real story here is: University of California, Stanislaus?! Really?
ReplyDeleteMan, what did Herrien say?
ReplyDeleteI wondered about Satanislaus, too.
One if by land, two if by sea, 100,000 if by Lear 60 air; the gal who puts the c, the u, the n and the t in Country First brings it to Beantown, birthplace of like everything, today!
ReplyDeleteIt's true! I was led down the path to sin by a non-bendy straw and a youthful conversation with Neal Horsley. Now I am eternally damned and so is Bessie.
ReplyDeleteIn this case the straw is the wrong thing to make fun of.
ReplyDeleteThe bendable straws are actually very practical, especially to any woman making public appearances or appearing before a camera. It would surprise me if it was a standard request in the contract of most women making public appearences. It allows her drink and not have to re-apply lipstick. She probably started this practice in her stint as a sports caster. It's a practice used by most actresses I've worked with in my job as a video producer.
The straw request is probably the smartest and most practical thing Palin has ever said.
You think straws are evil? I have a sermon here from a preacher who proves that SPOONS are evil! And Finland is evil too, FWIW.
ReplyDeleteBe forewarned if you click this link and find out more about Pastor Zachery Thackeray. He preaches in the same vein as Teh Gen'l, but he is SO whiteoconservative that he makes TehGen seem like a liberal...
k pr:
ReplyDeleteI'm thinkin' that suckin' on a straw is not what will require The Impalinator to reapply her lipstick.
I'm not sure I follow you, democommie. Could you perhaps give me an example of what she might have to suck on to require her to reapply her lipstick?
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of a joke: an old man goes to the doctor and says "I'm not sure if I'm getting stronger or weaker--now when I get an erection I can bend it in half."
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Richard:
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I can do that, because I've never been married and I'm not sure what all poor Sarah mighta sucked on.
Please! It's Cal State Stanislaus. If a UC campus invites Palin, I'm returning a diploma or something.
ReplyDeleteWe may only be a CSU, but in terms of embarrassing, pointless foibles, we're competing with the UCs.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're taking the wrong bait here. The story isn't about bendy straws, it's about the lack of public accountability of Foundation Boards that allegedly raise money for pubic universities in California - a much more complex story.
If you think you've got problems, imagine teaching Logic and Professional Ethics at CSU Stanislaus, and trying to keep your head from exploding, while this story develops. I'm shopping for a shredder that can destroy documents that didn't previously exist, thus creating intact copies of themselves, that I can then later allege to have been stolen from a recycle bin where I threw them out, in an office that was locked, during a time period when no employees were on campus because of furloughs.
(Significantly, nothing about this suggests the CSU Stanislaus Foundation Board has done anything at all wrong. But there's something astounding about the defensiveness of the administration's reaction. Like the saying goes, "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but,... no, wait, actually, you do have to be crazy to work here.")
Actually the joke is on Sarah. As an alum from CSU Stanislaus, I can vouch that there are no luxury hotels in all of Stanislaus County. Maybe they'll drive her up to Oakland or San Francisco and hour & a half away to fulfill that part of the contract.
ReplyDeletekindness:
ReplyDeleteThe Impalinator is from a place where any hotel is a luxury hotel.
Maybe they'll drive her up to Oakland or San Francisco
ReplyDeleteIf anyone drove futurePresident Palin to either of those cities, which are filled with teh ghey and teh weed of Satan, she would burst into flame! Or maybe the cities would. Not sure which has stronger powers. Either way, I don't think you'd want to be standing downwind of that.
Kindness, as a fellow Stanislaus alum, may I remind you that there's a perfectly good Holiday Inn in Modesto, not 30 minutes away. If it was good enough for my aunt and uncle, surely it's good enough for Sarah!
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