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Friday, April 16, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Jesus of Nazareth had an average sized schvonce" has died after 2,000 years of Christian speculation (on this very topic) while vacationing in Vatican City. It is survived by the related Opinions "Jesus of Nazareth had a nice tuchas but nothing to bow down to" and "Jesus had the thighs of a rutting antelope, and in His prime was more than ready to mount every rabbi's daughter that would look sideways at Him. Seriously."

When asked about this latest revelation, Pope Smell-My-Finger declined to comment, but in all fairness did exhibit (later that swoon-inducing, magical afternoon) a fair amount of leering and grunting while mounting a passing cherub in the Holy Rectumory. One Vatican official spoke on the condition that he remain anonymous, with the additional provision that this reporter characterize pedophilia as an "out-patient clerical procedure." Bishop Boy Fucker (not his real name) allowed that " was a real morale booster to see that the Son of God had, and presumably still has a rocket in his pocket. Used to be it was the Greek gods whose loins were we can say with a good deal of certainty that Jesus was hung like a Clydesdale," adding "...we clerics have been experiencing an extra thrill when inviting Jesus to fill us with His love. Talk about your cup running over!"

In lieu of flowers the family of the late Opinion have suggested you take a number like everybody else, and with any luck Jesus will draw your name in the Who Wants to Have Sex With Jesus Lottery held most Wednesdays, just after the community bingo game.


The Opinuary Column apologizes to all men who have average sized penises that don't begin at their navels and rise to the level of their sternum. You don't get to be God, and you certainly don't get to prance around with His genitals either. So just watch it.

A tip of the Holy Dick to Crooks and Liars.



  1. Word on The Street is that PopeSmellMyFinger and Jesus are no longer on speaking terms. Seems that PSMF turns out to be akin to a Kingpin-Pimp, and the Big J is so totally disgusted that he's developed a new plague just for the Black-Eyed-One-In-Prada-Shoes.

    So...everyone, dump your Prada shoes. Just for the season. Once PSMF is gone, you can pull those classics back out of the closet. What's old is new again!

  2. If that thing sprouts stigmata, I stutter to think what kinda fluid they might start weeping...

  3. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Back when I was still a sacreligious Cath-O-Lick, before I became much less confused--and atheist--I used to tell people this.

    "Whataya think it would be like if JESUS had been hung instead of crucified?"

    I'd then demonstrate the "Sign of the Noose" for them; starting with the traditional Mackeral Snapper Salute--forehead, sternum, left shoulder--but instead of finishing at the right shoulder I'd return my hand to approximately the mid-line of my chin, then describe a rough circle around my throat and yank up on an imaginary rope while making a gagging noise and sticking out my tongue. It was always good for a few laughs with the other altar boys--at least the ones that weren't PanzerKKKristian Jugend.

    But, now I see that I was using the wrong idea of "hung". So when I see all of those earnest, sweating preachers saying "Come to JESUS, he wants to MEAT you!", well, it takes on a whole new meaning.

  4. J.C. and religion aside, if an artist were to submit that ugly work for my consideration, I'd suggest they consider a new career.

  5. I was hoping the General would address the size of the Lord's mighty dong, but you've done a fine job.

    I think the General might have pointed out that this crucifix is clearly out of proportion, as it's bad enough dealing with the burden of original sin, but having to compete with that? Fuggettabouttit.

  6. Holy Stigmata, Batman! Sometimes the ironies just overwhelm a person.

    But I will make this one observation: They’re upset about Jesus’ ripped abs, which might look like a tumescent unit if you’re inclined to see everything in hypersexual terms, but they have no problem with the Peckinpah-ish blood streaming from his wounds and the laughing skull at his feet. No wonder these people like “24” …

  7. Plus, not to, like, obsess over this, but if that is his unit, I’m thinking Jesus’ mohel did a pretty lousy job.

  8. Hi General! Sorry I haven't been around lately, I've been very busy. (Long story.) I just wanted to remind you that today is BAC's birthday. ;o)

  9. This explains alot.

    My girlfriend keeps calling out another man's name during sex. I thought it was all harmless fantasizing but, now that I've read this, when I find this Jesus mutherfucker, we're, he's getting curb stomped.

  10. The more I look at that icon, (not that I've been staring at it with my eyes REAL close to the screen) the more I think it looks like Jeebus is inserting His Holy Staff INTO HIS OWN CHEST! (That's why you can't see the part where the mohel did his handiwork, DvonE.) Look at it again and tell me if you don't think Jesus is having sex with Himself. Most disturbing...

  11. I would just like to add that I believe this image helps to explain why it took our Lord fully three days to rise. And why so many women were hanging around the cave looking for a poor radical.


  12. MJS, Sir,

    I find there's some confusion about whether all the fuss over 'male enhancement' isn't overshadowing the much simpler ballgasm.

  13. "Are Americans fucked in the head?"

    I remember being asked in 2003 overseas, the speaker was from a crowd of nurses in a pub asking about a Jerry Springer DVD someone had given them. She had a really earnest nature & concerned expression on her face, the kind you see on people who worry about international affairs or natural disaster survivors...

    They'd noticed my Canadian accent when I ordered & immediately singled me to to inquire. They said they needed 'an impartial third party opinion from someone who got more exposure. It was weird, they sorta swarmed me, anxious to know what the US was all about...

    I'm just say'n, no hating, but... You scare the bejazuz out of the Other Billions of us.
    They also wanted to know why US citizens refer to themselves as 'Americans' when the whole continent is technically 'America'.

    I said I really only had a few theories, but as an experience, living between the US & Russia made a weird combination of freaked out for our survival & sovereignties, while being abashedly entertained.

    Its kinda like being held hostage at gunpoint by a C4-strapped crackhead who also does standup & really wants you to strip naked *right now*.

  14. I will see if there is an increase (or decrease) in attendance at St. Charles on Sunday.

  15. If God was all-powerful and all-loving, with free will yet perfectly good, God would create life with similar properties: with free will and perfectly good. Meaning that there would be no human-created evil, and no need for evil, suffering or death in the world in any way. However, there is evil and death in very great quantities, therefore it holds that if the situation was created by a god, rather than natural forces, then such a god is not omnipotent and benevolent. Given that such a god exists, it must be malevolent: An evil god, who created life for the sole purpose of watching life suffer.
    Such a god would make life, in its very essence, impossible to exist without death, violence, suffering and struggle. Advanced life, especially, would be inherently prone to nastiness, wars, immorality, killing and causing of suffering. As this is how it is in the world, it holds that the existence of such levels of suffering, if it is the result of intelligent design, is thoroughly evil, and to call god "good" is a corruption of the truth.
    As it happens, the world is as we would expect it to be if the designer of life was evil. Ancient religious minds also realized this. The Manicheans explained that this world was the creation of an evil God, and that we had to somehow escape from it. Some people criticize this, asking, if the world was designed by an evil God, why is there some happiness and goodness in the world? Why isn't the world purely evil, with only suffering?

    class="IQL"“A Manichean might retort that this is the worst of all possible worlds, in which the good things that exist serve only to heighten the evils. The world, he might say, was created by a wicked demiurge [who] created some virtuous men, in order that they might be punished by the wicked; for the punishment of the virtuous is so great an evil that it makes the world worse than if no good men existed. class="IQR"” "History of Western Philosophy" by Bertrand Russell, p571

  16. Any discussion of an abstraction is somewhat delimited by the preconceived notions of the parties involved. In the West, when one mentions the notion of "God" I think it is safe to say that most believers and even non-believers have a notion (perhaps vague) of a personality creator god, a single (patriarchal) entity, i.e. monotheism. Since the abstraction is not open to the senses (Occam's Razor read as "if it can't be seen or felt or tasted etc. then you can't really say anything about it") then anything you say is pretty much moonshine, if you are speaking literally. To chain the notion of an ineffable mystery that sustains the manifested universe to a tribal deity out of the Bronze (or even neolithic) ages is a spiritual boo-boo. The model that influenced the Semitic belief system was Zoroastrianism, as well as the Egyptian Kingly model. We in the West have been stuck with a mythological (then religious) construct that was meant for another time. My ideas about this subject have been mostly formed by the writings and lectures of Joseph Campbell, Alan Watts, Carl Jung and of course General JC Christian.

    Regardless of relative terms like "evil" or "good" what one truly encounters in this "veil of tears" are the Jungian "coincidence of opposites" that make up the phenomenal world: up and down, left and right, male and female, etc. The Universe is not "evil" nor is it "good." It simply is: say Yes to it, and you will "feel all the emotions." And in my dirty little opinion, we humanoids are the witnesses to the great mystery of being that is indeed terrifying and wondrous, awesome and majestic and painful and sad and funny and...everything.

    But to get back to the main point: did Jesus have a major party wang or what?


  17. I think God is the necessary embodiment of all that we don't know. The early conscious mind would have been racked by constant stress without it: God offers psychological decompression, even to this day.

    Christ gave God a benevolent face that allowed for a fundamental humanism where love for one's fellow man could transcend the ugliness of early civilization.

    For those today who still can't find their asses with their two hands, God and Christ are still necessary. What about those doctorates who still defer to God? Usually such people may be doctorates in a single discipline, but are totally clueless beyond. Christ fills those clueless areas for them.

  18. A comment from Blueberry Pick'ns?!? OMFG! This person is a dangerous liberal subversive from an underground radio show that is so seditious that it was kicked off a left-wing broadcast network and now has to air in eeeeeevil places like Sweden.

    Mrs. Bukko and I have been monitoring this show, whose advertisement has been appearing atop Teh Gen'l's site for the past week or so (must be one of those unauthorized Google ads, eh?) when we lived in Australia and now up here. Gotta keep track of what the enemy is saying, you know.

    For those of you who haven't heard of the insignificant broadcastofascist who's behind the show, he read Teh Gen's Wyoming penis sermon on air last week. Perhaps there is hope that the Godly conservatism here will convert this Fairyass character into the Right way of thinking.

    Why is is that libboradioradicals like that Sam Screecher from Air America are attracted to Teh Gen? What ever happened to him, anyway?

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.