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Friday, April 30, 2010
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The seemingly contradictory Opinions "Oklahoma would never enact a law that would require doctors to lie to their patients" and "Oklahoma would never contradict its intention to deny medical information to its female citizens by mandating that those same female citizens must, by law, view an ultrasound of their fertilized ovum before having a legal medical procedure performed" have died from an overdose of Christianism. The Opinions were believed to be four and five years of age, respectively.
The Opinions were preceded in death by the cliche The largest hole in Arizona is the Grand Canyon as it turned out the largest hole in the state is in its collective soul. As many of those in the know will attest, Arizona and Oklahoma (when combined) create a monster known as HOMAZONA!
A combined memorial service for the late Opinions will be held under duress at a later date. Anyone with information about the memorial will be required to not divulge that information to anyone who might need directions. Those who seek directions will be made to look at a map which depicts them dying in a horrible traffic accident, their bodies being consumed in an enormous ball of fire while their faces reveal the last desperate wails of abject desolation. Google Maps should have an app for that by summer.
In lieu of donations the family of the deceased Opinions suggest you stay away from Oklahoma. And Arizona, too--don't go to Arizona. Come to think of it, Utah and its Latter Day Shuck & Jive sucks just as much if not more than HOMAZONA, and not just because of Glenn Beck, so avoid traveling to Utah as well. And consider giving Texas a miss too. In fact, you might stay away from any state that values fear and anger over compassion and reason, or any locale that can't seem to understand that women don't require sub-contractors when it comes to their sovereign bodies. Vote with your dollars, and tell 'em Jesus loves them but in all honesty doesn't really like them.
The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.