Rep. Colin M. Simpson
Speaker of the House
Wyoming House of Representatives
Dear Speaker Simpson,
According to the contraceptive store chain, Condomania, Wyoming owns the dubious distinction of having the tiniest penises in America. They sell a higher percentage of their smallest "TheyFit" condoms in the Cowboy State than anywhere else. The smallest size, by the way, is three inches long.
That can't be good for tourism.
Thankfully, you also rank at the top of another, more important, category: gun ownership. According to the Center For Disease Control's Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System, 59.7% of Wyomingites own at least one firearm. So while your penises may be ultra-mini, you're guns are big and plentiful.
There has to be a way to market your gun ownership in a way that offsets your penis shame. Perhaps you could come up with a slogan for a bumper sticker or tee shirt--maybe something like "Wyoming: Big Guns, Small Penises," "At Least our Guns are Big Enough for Jackson Hole," or better yet, a picture of a gun overlaid on a map of the state with the words, "I dare you to say I have a small cock?"
Or maybe you could just change your state nickname to "The Compensation State."
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to IanDavidB.
Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.