Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, May 10, 2010

Backfield in Motion

Michael Cormier
Rancocas Valley Board of Education

CC: Coach Jenkins

Dear Mr. Cormier,

I think the mediaislamunistofascists at the Philly Inquirer were trying to embarrass you when they wrote this about that book you banned last week:
One element of Revolutionary Voices that drew considerable attention in Burlington County was a drawing of one man bent at the waist with another man standing behind him...

The author of the book, Amy Sonnie of Oakland, Calif., said in an e-mail to The Inquirer this week that the drawing was actually a stock image of one man hiking a football to another.
But that's really why the image is so dangerous, isn't it? It may look like a drawing of a center and a quarterback, but subconsciously we see it for what it really is: a man grinding his long rigid rod of righteous reproduction against another man's cave of shame while his hands get busy on a little crotchal area reconnaissance. It's nothing less than an assault on heterosexuality. Your young, impressionable, male students see something like that and the next thing you know they're tucking in their todgers and singing the collected works of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Hopefully, the book banning is only your first step in a campaign to rid your district of subliminal portrayals of sodomy. The Rancocas Valley High School Football Program should be your next target. You don't need to drop it, completely--you just need to make a few changes to take all the homosecksualism out of it.

It's rather simple, really. All you need to do is to separate the QB's little field general from the center's butt and position the backfield in such a way as to prevent them from looking at the offensive linemen's firm muscular behinds. To do so, you position the tailback between the center and QB and turn him around so his butt is up against the center's butt. The QB will kneel down in front of the tailback and reach between the tailback's legs to receive the football from the center. The QB will also plant his face into the tailback's crotchal area so the center's butt is not in his line of sight. (I'm including a crude drawing in case you're having a hard time picturing it).

I'd be glad to come down and assist Coach Jenkins make these changes if you'd like me too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. This gives new meaning to the phrase "Our quarterback sucks." Or maybe not new. I've got to pay closer attention to this stuff.


  2. General, Sir:

    Does this mean that all of that "touch football" that we played (under the firm but gentle tutelage of "Fightin' Father Frankfurtenshtupper") was, somehow, inappropriate?

  3. General, Sir:

    May I suggest some additional changes. The position of Tight End should be eliminated and absolutely no references to Dick Butkus.....ever.

    Come to think of it. "Tailback" sounds kind of suspicious too so let's cut that one just to be safe.

  4. I'm glad that someone has finally realized that football is the gayest sport after professional wrestling. I mean, the first time I heard the words, "You go long and deep to the tight end and that's how you score." I knew I was dealing with some whopseys.

  5. Next they've gotta go after baseball. All that emphasis on holding the "bat" (a phallopreverted symbol if I ever saw one), "pitching," "catching," playing with "balls" and "getting to first base"... Disgusting!

    America must get back to its roots and embrace cricket. Nothing gay about that.

  6. I really don't understand why they're okay with football in the first place since that sport is devoted to violating the part in Leviticus about touching the skin of a pig but then they suddenly care about another part that regards gay sex just as similarly.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.