It's all in the name

The Most Reverend Timothy M. Dolan
Archbishop of New York

Your Excellency,

You acted correctly when you, citing potential promiscuity, forbade members of your flock from carrying a St. Francis Xavier Church banner in the homosexualist pride parade. Such displays of gender-indeterminate names do things to a man. I see the name Francis or Kelly or Leslie and all hell breaks loose. I just start sticking it anywhere.

Same goes for names like "sacred heart" and "immaculate Heart of Mary." There's just something about the word, "heart" that puts lead in a man's pencil.

That's probably the reason you have all those problems with priests. They see the words "Most Precious Blood Catholic Church" enough times and and every alter-boy begins to look like Ann Coulter. You can't blame them. It's the names of the churches that does them in.

Changing the names of your churches might be a way to combat your priest problem. You should consider it. Perhaps St Francis Xavier could become "The Rigid Staff of the Shepard" or "The Holy Wood of the Crucifixion" or some other manly sounding name.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot