Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Thursday, July 01, 2010

It's all in the name

The Most Reverend Timothy M. Dolan
Archbishop of New York

Your Excellency,

You acted correctly when you, citing potential promiscuity, forbade members of your flock from carrying a St. Francis Xavier Church banner in the homosexualist pride parade. Such displays of gender-indeterminate names do things to a man. I see the name Francis or Kelly or Leslie and all hell breaks loose. I just start sticking it anywhere.

Same goes for names like "sacred heart" and "immaculate Heart of Mary." There's just something about the word, "heart" that puts lead in a man's pencil.

That's probably the reason you have all those problems with priests. They see the words "Most Precious Blood Catholic Church" enough times and and every alter-boy begins to look like Ann Coulter. You can't blame them. It's the names of the churches that does them in.

Changing the names of your churches might be a way to combat your priest problem. You should consider it. Perhaps St Francis Xavier could become "The Rigid Staff of the Shepard" or "The Holy Wood of the Crucifixion" or some other manly sounding name.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Maybe that's why all the priests at my old school, Emmaculate Ejaculate, walked around with their hands in their pockets.

  2. I like the part about "citing potential promiscuity." They should probably ban everyone over the age of eleven from church, on account of "potential promiscuity." Just young boys should be allowed. Young, smooth-skinned boys. Oy.


  3. Let's hope he also bans them from Boy Sprout parades! Our Father who art heavin', march me not into temptation...

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  5. I think they should keep their church name the same, but add a motto to it, something like "Taste the Hot Sticky Salvation!"

  6. A Christianity that has relinquished humanism so completely as to alienate GLBTs is corrupt.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.