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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Call Signs

Today, I have a special treat for you. Sen. John McCain is guestposting. Please treat him with all the respect he deserves.
--Gen JC Christian, patriot

Thank you General. It's always a pleasure for me to use your electrical pamphlet intertubes typing machine to speak directly to the people.

I'm here, today, to talk about a problem my Navy is having. From what I gather, Navy Ensign Steve Crowston is upset about the call sign he was assigned. I can't figure out why he's whining. I'd have killed to have "Romo's Bitch" as my call sign.

It's a hell of a lot better than my old one, "Arrogant Douchebag." It was just two damned long. I couldn't get it out before crashing any of those planes. It was like "May Day, May Day, Arrogant DoucheCRASH." I had to auger nine planes in to get my reverse ace, because "Arrogant Douchenozzle" got credit for four of them.

And I don't think the other call signs Strike Fighter Squadron 136 came up with for Ensign Crowston were all that bad either. I mean, come on, "Fagmeister" and "Gay Boy" sound kind of Germanic and happy. They beat the hell out of my first call sign, "Goat Fucker." Try explaining to your dad, the Admiral, how you got the call sign, "Goat Fucker." It isn't an easy conversation to have--that's especially true if your dad, the Admiral, hears a goat bleating from inside your footlocker while your having that conversation.

It's the kind of call sign that sticks with you the rest of your life. Heck, I hear it even today. I'll be giving a speech, trying my damnedest to sound angrier and crazier than my primary opponent, JD Hayworth--you know what I mean; he'll say "kill all the Mexican Muslims," and I'll have to top it with something like "I promise to stab every black gay Muslim Mexican terror baby in the greater Phoenix metropolitan area, and then I'll eat their livers;" you know, something like that--and...uh...what the hell was I saying? Oh yeah, I'll be giving a speech, and all of a sudden, someone will yell out that first call sign. "Shut up you old goat fucker," they'll scream. And then that God-damned goat will start bleating.


  1. Dear Senator. Could you please explain the term "air start"? I understand it has something to do with naval aviators and the junior officers assigned to see to their every need.

  2. Oy! Names, names, names... It's hard enough to remember one's many screen names, and to figure out our proper "porn name." (Mine would be "Bumbles Colwyn" as per the "name of your first dog/street you lived on as a child" formula -- not exactly a moniker of manhood.) And many perverse, unfathomable liberals adopted "Hussein" for a middle name to show their fealty to the Kenyan impostoPresident.

    But are we all to have "call sign names" now? If so, I suggest we choose our own, before someone assigns us one we don't like. I'm leaning toward "Pillmeister" or "Needle Fiend" for myself. Better to nominate ourselves before someone else does it. I'd rather hear my choice over the intercom than "Enema Queen to Bed 6440."

    On the bright side, I'm glad the U.S. military has completely solved its recruitment problems. The armed forces must be in a great staffing situation when they can afford to spend however many hundreds of thousands of dollars it takes to train a jet fighter pilot, then sideline him as a desk jockey because he has the balls to beef over an insulting name. Does that make you proud to be American, or what?

  3. Its all perspective, Bukko. My porn name is Cat Gipps. I mean, I don't think that'll put the old name up in lights.

    Goat Fucker, on the other hand, would be a terrifying call sign if invading New Zealand. The whole country is full of Sheep Shaggers, but the man that dareth fuck a goat is one mean MoFo in the land of the Kiwi. I bet if New Zealand had an army, they'd all run away at the mere mention that the Goat Fucker was coming for them.

  4. Australian Diggers felt the same way if you mentioned "wombat wanker." Anyone who could do THAT to one of THOSE was a fearsom feller indeed. Now, "dingo diddler" got a much different reaction...

  5. Also, Senator, I was wondering if you could clarify the meaning of the naval aviator term "wet start."

  6. Now that you mention it Jeff, I had heard that Air Marshal McCain's call sign was "Five Plane." Not sure what that's supposed to mean.

    Except I don't know when Sky Admiral McCain woulda got to use that call sign. After he crashed his fifth plane in North 'Nam, I don't think he did any more flying. Or crashing.

  7. I thought McCain's call sign was 'Going Down' merely to remove excess words when he was flying.

  8. Sorrr. We hwarrrve have been totin yorrr freight ferrrr too lorrrrnhgh...tell 'emmmm you luvs them little Chineeese ye did in them thar bahmboo cages. Aarrrggghhh....


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.