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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Jesus' Blessed Ass

Bozhidar Dimitrov
Minister without Portfolio
Republic of Bulgaria

Dear Minster Dimitrov,

God must be very pleased with your war against nudity in church. How could he resist a defense of modesty as passionate as this:
The Bulgarian women go to church in very revealing clothes, with only their nipples covered; compare them with the Russian women, of whom even the lowliest whore would put a headscarf on, and then enter a church.
I'm sure that's why God blessed you with the bones of John the Baptist. Hopefully, you've put a scarf on the skull so no one notices his bony little nipples.

I hope you're not too disappointed when the bones don't provide the economic boom you predict. After all, they're only John the Baptist's bones. They can't compete with relics like Jesus' immaculate foreskin. Who wants to see a a baptist's femur when they can see Our Lord and Savior's little helmet cover?

What you need is an actual Jesus-related relic you can pair with the bones to give potential pilgrims a twofer.

I think I can help you. I'm willing to send you Jesus' blessed ass, or at least its bones, at no cost other than shipping and handling (which comes to around $7.7 million). That's a pretty damn good deal, considering all they joy the Bulgarian people will get out of seeing such a fine ass.

Let me know if you're interested.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. To quote the sign on a local church, "Jesus said, Bring me that ass."

  2. Well if there's one word I associate with church-going Bulgy women, it's "sexy." If they were to get the Sacred Snipped-skin of the Saviour and drape it over the Big Bone of the Babtist, only the Devildo knows what mischief those wanton churchwimmens would get up to.

  3. Gen Sir,
    Why a twofer when ya can use a woofer?

  4. General, Sir:

    What time are those services? Look, I could deliver them soupbones for a lot less than anyothem hoity-toity international shipping firms--and bring back some sell Bulgarian swag, to boot.

  5. See? He has it all wrong again. I'm kinda tired about pointing out Dimitrov's muddle headed ways. Look, we KNOW that church attendance in Bulgaria is down. It is because of the head to toe dress. There is nothing better that seeing a bikini-clad girl in church, all the way from her beard to the last hair on her legs. Its a Boner for Jesus. The menfolk will come from far and wide to listen to the Gospels whilst learing at young scantily clad women breathing with their soft, turnip-y breath.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.