Senior Fellow
Ethics and Public Policy Center
Dear Mr. Santorum,
I understand you have a Google problem. According to Pam Spaulding, a woman whose commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle is somewhat suspect, the Santorum name has become the most popular word describing "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of" doing it in the south forty, if you know what I mean--you know, like the war paint you get when the "victory moment" in a Spartan-style wrestling match becomes a "victory three seconds."Anyway, if you look up Santorum on the Google, you'll find the following entries listed at the top:
SantorumPerhaps you should consider changing your name. Santorum sounds a bit tinny for a president, anyway. You need a more woody sounding name, something like "Gone" or "Caribou" or, even better, "Analingus." Yes, that's it, "Analingus." Unlike Santorum, it's woody, confident, and very manly sounding. It's perfect.
Santorum 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex...
Santorum (sexual neologism) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Santorum is a sexual neologism...
Rick Santorum - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Richard John "Rick" Santorum (born May 10, 1958) is a former United States Senator from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania...
Urban Dictionary: santorum
[Santorum] is t]he sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner's anus ...
Think about it. Doesn't "Analingus for President" sound a lot better than "Santorum for President?" I think so.
Heterosexually yours,
I hope you'll consider it.
Gen. JC Christian
End of an Era
Prince Shannon wrote me, yesterday, and insulted me by suggesting I'm not a real general:
From: PrinceAnd to think I was going to try to patch things up with one of those trust building exercises where you put your little Templars in each other's mouth.
To: Gen. JC Christian patriot
Sent: Wednesday, September 08, 2010 8:24 AM
Subject: Re: I got the photos.
General, or who ever you are. I have to say this gag was absolutely hilarious! You got me and thanks for the laugh! Excellent execution and you had me going! Nice Job! LOL
A True Conservative
I see a fine teabagging gubernatorial candidate is taking advantage of my Google and Raw Story Network ads. It's a shame he has to spend his hard-earned donations to pay for these. But then, I guess it's better that it goes to a patriotic capitalist like myself, rather than some communist Muslim Democrat.
He sent me this email the other day. Man, does he know how to party:
From: Chris Lato, Mark Neumann For Governor
To: gen.jc.christian
Sent: Tuesday, September 07, 2010 5:54 PM
Subject: Media Advisory: Neumann Announces 12-City, Two-Day 'Freedom Tour'
NEUMANN ANNOUNCES 12-CITY, TWO-DAY 'FREEDOM TOUR'
Neumann Joined by Polka Band - the "Conservatones" - Complete with Banjo, Clarinet, and Accordion
I heard that a Santorum is so rich you could eat it with a fork, but they still suggest you use a spoon so you can swallow every drop. It's kind of a post-Romantic word, really. Imagine a sexy voice-over whispering "After the lovemaking...Santorum!"
ReplyDeleteIt's so darn sexy my penis has anus envy. Again.
++++
Better a fistful of Santorum than a mouthful. But seriously, whoever the savage was who came out with that sick term got it all wrong. When I hear Santorum, I think of man-on-dog sex.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Frosh Prince, I'm glad it only took him two weeks and three phone calls to get God's Clue. He'd better avoid the comments, otherwise some libruljism might slip into his brain -- but not any Santorum. That stuff's catching. You can get infested with it if it gets in your eye, the same way you can catch teh ghey if onnathem touches you too much. I'm talking about catchin' libruljism, not Santorum. That, you can wash off. "Cept I don't have to because I get medical gloves for free.
Murf has a new gig at the Ramada Room - Murf and the Conservatones. I wonder if their accordian has shag carpet.
ReplyDeleteAnalingus sounds wonderfully Roman. Maybe he could become our first emperor. Then, next thing you know he's swimming with little boys.
Dear Herr Neumann: Nothing says The Master Race quite like oom-pah! music.
ReplyDeleteGeneral, Sir, I'm on a recruiting drive.
ReplyDeleteI just started a Google Group debate page in honor of the approaching holiday that you've spearheaded.
Here's the Group page.
I'm hoping to get a few of the troops to join. I think I've got a few rebs on the hook, too.
There also ought to be a santorrific new word to describe unfairlyrejectedSen. Santorum's contribution to youth education. I'm sure it's not news to dedicated followers of patriotikkkism how the Sen'r gave his children a home-schooling on how a family prays together even when one of them is a dead fetus.
ReplyDeleteLife lessons involving death like that should be called "Santorumeducation." Like when the mortician can't find Grandma's false teeth before the viewing, and when your Dad DOES locate them, he makes you put them in Granna's mouth right there in front of the church. That's Santorumeducation!
I wish my Mom and either my second or third Dads had brought home a dead baby brother instead of my two live sisters. Then maybe I wouldn't have turned out so messed up.
To have one's head up one's ass so far as to not know how backwards one sounds: Santorectum.
ReplyDeleteBukko, you shouldn't think that way. In my caravan park, it is far better to have learnt the ways of love with your live sisters than your deceased brother. In fact, your dads should have shown you.
In fact, your dads should have shown you.
ReplyDeleteHe (not sayin' which one 'cause he's still alive) didn't mean to show me, but a lot of times I'd peek through the hole where the doorknob usedta be to see what all the crying was about...
Oh, General. I did not know this new use of the term "Santorum." Where I live, a "Santorum" is a house nobody lives in even though they claim it as their main address.
ReplyDelete