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Monday, October 04, 2010

An Armed Fetus is a Safe Fetus

Nadine Dorries, MP
House of Commons
London, England

Dear Mrs. Dorries,

It always warms my heart when I see a conservative member of the government use the massive power of the state to harass a common citizen. Your persecution of such critics as Tim Ireland and Ms Humphrey Cushion is an example of the kind of strong leadership we seldom see in western democracies anymore--well, we don't see it places like Canada, anyway.

I'm particularly impressed with your apparent effort to have Ms Cushion investigated for crimes relating to twittering. Questioning the validity of her medical leave was a brilliant, almost Nixonian, kind of move.

I understand the British press is comparing you to such great American statesmen as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Christine O'Donnell. I think it's a valid comparison. You're certainly their match, intellectually, and you share Mrs. Palin's Pinochetesque thirst for revenge, O'Donnell's financial acumen, and Bachmann's gift for asserting faith-based facts no matter how ludicrous they may sound.

Indeed, you reminded me of Bachmann when you you told the story of a fetus that had thrust its arm out of its womb and "grabbed hold of the surgeon’s finger." It's a great story, one that proved that even foeti like a good "pull-my-finger" fart joke.

But of course, doctors hate fetuses and are too damned hoity-toity to appreciate the every-man kind of cultural richness a fart joke expresses. I suspect that's why the surgeon, Dr Joseph Bruner, disputed your story:
Depending on your political point of view, this is either [a fetus] reaching out of the uterus and touching the finger of a fellow human, or it’s me pulling his hand out of the uterus … which is what I did.

Regardless of what Dr. Bruner may claim, I like the idea of a fetus reaching out of its womb, so I'm choosing to believe your story. More importantly, I'm also attaching a sonogram showing a fetus doing something similar: threatening an OB/GYN with a tiny pistol. Please feel free to use it the next time you feel a Bachmann moment coming on.

I'm rather proud of this sonogram, I developed the pistol the little fetus-American is holding. It was part of my effort to ensure that all Americans have an opportunity to exercise their Second Amendment rights. Sure, fetuses have lousy judgement and virtually no hand-eye coordination skills, but arming them is no more irresponsible than allowing people to carry guns in pubs. The important thing is that OB/GYNs fear the fetus, that doctors are always on edge, scared that at any moment, a fetus might thrust his pistol out through his mother's woo woo and start firing.

Perhaps we could work together to bring the same kind of fetal firepower to Britain.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and thoroughly tory kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. General, Sir:

    She'a kindahot in a Coulterish sortaway. I'm a bit put off by the eye's, though. One is properly satanic with it's red pupil (although if the pupil was like a goat's it would be even kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuller) but the other one looks like she'a got amphibliopia (that's "froggy eye" for you uncyentiphic types) and I don't trust nobody with froggy eyes.

  2. How could she have a Froggy eye when she's clearly an inbred upper-class Pommy twit? Or do I mean twat? Or both. Anyway, there's nothing French about her.

    I must say, I enjoyed the British TV show that she co-starred in during the 1990s. Based on her life, I heard it was.

  3. Cor', she were in a bit uv a snit. Cawled the bobbies on 'im she did, and that settles it. Ees a no-gooder, and that Innernett iz the devil's tool. I know whut's whut, and whut izn't, and ees a right damn bastard, ee iz.

    (oh, sorry, but I'm late off to Parliamant and can tarry here no longer. Tootle-ooh!)


  4. General, Sir!

    How does a patriot get the little gun to the fetus?

  5. You've heard of "fisting"? That's how. The lubricant on the tiny gun makes it go easier. Or so Mrs. Bukko #1 told me.

  6. My mind is boggling when thinking about what the fetal hand could do when a little soldier marches in instead of a surgeon's finger. Let's pray they all fire blanks.

    "Fetal firepower" just cracked me up.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.