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Friday, November 12, 2010
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The Opinion "The United States of America is still in the flower of its youth" died today from complications related to Alzheimer's Disease. It was 92 years of age and looked much, much older. No longer able to put on clothing or eat food that hadn't been pureed, it spent its last days drooling and soiling itself, smacking its walker against anyone who ventured too close. It did enjoy watching TV, primarily Bill O'Reilly, because it really was just that fucking gone. It also liked watching Glenn Beck because he reminded it of that nephew of his who was always huffing airplane glue. A nice nephew, all in all, and his eyes made a decent glaze for lemon cake.
The Opinion was born of a virgin mother (at least according to her) and spent an idyllic youth killing native Americans and enslaving African Americans, denying all its women basic civil rights, and partying every chance it had. It also believed deeply that an invisible power loved it and would burn it in a lake of eternal fire if it didn't get with the program. A period of self-doubt came after it lost most of its savings, followed by a war where it could kill as many people as it liked. It liked war, mostly because it had a cyclical need to sacrifice its young while making huge profits for a few well-heeled capitalists.
It took a lot of speed in the 1950s before transitioning into psychedelic pharmaceuticals, where it stood on the Ground of Being, becoming one with the Eternal and Ineffable Mystery that is the Manifested World. After it came down it subdivided that land and covered it in strip malls and highways. It tried to kill a bunch of Vietnamese, but it was never enough and finally had to declare victory and leave. Well, that pissed off a lot of its advisers, who spend the next thirty years thinking up wars that could still be realized. It was during this time that it began to doze off during meals, wander away from its bedroom, and smear its shit all over the walls with empty sloganeering and phrases like Support the Troops! Two more wars and ever-increasing dosages of thorazine left it in a stupor, a stupor from which it never fully recovered.
The Opinion is survived by China and India, who coincidentally now own the Adult Foster Home the Opinion had been living in. It was preceded in death by Great Britain, the Soviet Union, Spain, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the Middle Ages, Rome, Greece and an assortment of kingdoms, countries and co-ops. A Celebration of Life was going to be held, but it had pissed off and annoyed so many of its neighbors that frankly no one is even expected to come to the service. In lieu of a Celebration of Life there will be a Dismantling of the Carcass in the Alan Simpson Wing of Wall Mart.
Arrangements by Very Wealthy Vested Interests Who Would Sell You Down the River in a Solitary Ratfuck Minute.