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Friday, November 12, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The United States of America is still in the flower of its youth" died today from complications related to Alzheimer's Disease. It was 92 years of age and looked much, much older. No longer able to put on clothing or eat food that hadn't been pureed, it spent its last days drooling and soiling itself, smacking its walker against anyone who ventured too close. It did enjoy watching TV, primarily Bill O'Reilly, because it really was just that fucking gone. It also liked watching Glenn Beck because he reminded it of that nephew of his who was always huffing airplane glue. A nice nephew, all in all, and his eyes made a decent glaze for lemon cake.

The Opinion was born of a virgin mother (at least according to her) and spent an idyllic youth killing native Americans and enslaving African Americans, denying all its women basic civil rights, and partying every chance it had. It also believed deeply that an invisible power loved it and would burn it in a lake of eternal fire if it didn't get with the program. A period of self-doubt came after it lost most of its savings, followed by a war where it could kill as many people as it liked. It liked war, mostly because it had a cyclical need to sacrifice its young while making huge profits for a few well-heeled capitalists.

It took a lot of speed in the 1950s before transitioning into psychedelic pharmaceuticals, where it stood on the Ground of Being, becoming one with the Eternal and Ineffable Mystery that is the Manifested World. After it came down it subdivided that land and covered it in strip malls and highways. It tried to kill a bunch of Vietnamese, but it was never enough and finally had to declare victory and leave. Well, that pissed off a lot of its advisers, who spend the next thirty years thinking up wars that could still be realized. It was during this time that it began to doze off during meals, wander away from its bedroom, and smear its shit all over the walls with empty sloganeering and phrases like Support the Troops! Two more wars and ever-increasing dosages of thorazine left it in a stupor, a stupor from which it never fully recovered.

The Opinion is survived by China and India, who coincidentally now own the Adult Foster Home the Opinion had been living in. It was preceded in death by Great Britain, the Soviet Union, Spain, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the Middle Ages, Rome, Greece and an assortment of kingdoms, countries and co-ops. A Celebration of Life was going to be held, but it had pissed off and annoyed so many of its neighbors that frankly no one is even expected to come to the service. In lieu of a Celebration of Life there will be a Dismantling of the Carcass in the Alan Simpson Wing of Wall Mart.

Arrangements by Very Wealthy Vested Interests Who Would Sell You Down the River in a Solitary Ratfuck Minute.


  1. Bravo, mon Generale!

    Can't wait for the sequel: "Night of the Living Fed" in which Very Wealthy Vested Interests battle it out with Very Destitute Unemployed Patriots for the heart, soul and deficit of the Zombie Nation.

  2. Does this mean the subsequent resurrection is on? Could it now be possible for nothing less than brutal honesty in the reinvention of America?

    My fear is that this carcass didn't yet get the memo, and may still flail about, as it wells up with gas, rotting in the noonday sun.

  3. And I was hardly aware of your training as a history prof until now.

    Shame on me.

    May I quote you at my place?



  4. ha ha ha. funniest thing I've read all week. Wait, it's sad too. Funny and sad; the stuff of true satire.

  5. So if The Opinion is dead, then nobody should object to letting it freeze to death while trying to sleep in an SUV that was hidden in the woods by its "owner" who was trying to keep it from being repo'ed because he stopped making the payments when his factory was dismantled and shipped, piece by piece, to China. But The Opinion won't mind dying, because the stabbing pain in its stomach that was bloated by too much cheap GMO white bread and high-fructose corn syrup is so bad it makes The Opinion forget about the swollen legs and oozing diabetic foot ulcers that the hospital emergency room refuses to look at because The Opinion is just a worthless loser with no insurance.

    The Opinion just hopes it can summon the strength to take its gun -- a RealAmerican holds onto his gun through thick and thin -- and shoot the people it blames for this predicament, in order to die in an all-American rage of glory. The Opinion thinks it will stage its existence-ending madmassacre in Wal-Mart. Not to murder the management, of course -- those are the nice people who brought low prices back when The Opinion had enough money to buy made-in-China plastic toys for its children, who are now fighting in some overseas war or whoring themselves for meth. No, The Opinion is going to take out a few of the Meskins and Nee-goros who brought it to this sad state, before the police SWAT team cuts it down.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.