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Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Squirting Peach

Joe Cienkowski
Christian Author
Patriotic Teahadist

Dear Mr. Cienkowski,

I love your blog. It's full of neat little word thingies that make it easier for me to understand stuff. You know what I mean--like where you compare the information in biolocialist textbooks to "where the spider comes to suck the blood out of you" or when you note that "an atheist is a fool to not believe in God. You have to accept something illogical, irrational, unscientific." Who could argue with that kind of reasoning.

I suspect your books, Jesus Christ is God, Atheism is a Religion and Grand Reality: Humans are 1000's [sic] Old are just as good.

I'm hoping you'll write a memoir next. You tell us so little about yourself at your website. We know you smoked marijuana and then found Jesus, And we know you "were single for a lot of years and thought the Lord had passed [you] by. Then, after 42 years Brandy came into [your] life." But you haven't told us anything about the miracles you've performed.

I mean, hey, you have to know that people want to hear about your squirting peach miracle. You know the one I'm talking about. You mentioned it in that chat message you sent to that nice young lady--is she a friend of Brandy's?

You remember it. You were telling her how you could put your mouth on her secret parts and juice would squirt out. That sounds like a real faith builder to me. Heck, it's the kind of thing that could lead to pilgrimages. People would flock to see it. Think about all the souls you could touch.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General, Sir:

    I am confused, well, more confused than usual. According to the comments on that post you linked to Mr. Chincock said that he would like to suck on that woman's peach and make liquid come out? This was after she said her butt was a peach. Now, I don't want to get all grafic and suchlike, but when liquid comes out of my butt, Sir, it's nothing like sexy!

  2. "Evolution is the best they could do to reject God. To accept evolution is to believe the nonhumans existed at some point. This is not real testable science."

    I am embarrased to admit what an idiot, I am I actually belived nonhumans exist today.

  3. You must have blind faith to believe in evolution, because we never see fossils coming close to what evolutionists say must’ve happened. We only see human babies come from human parents. Till my dying day I will prove that evolution is a false theory that is turning us into a nation with no moral absolutes.

    Fossils are so boring. They never wiggle, and if you smack one it doesn't bow down to you. I am waiting with keen interest for this prophet to prove that evolution is false. While he's at it maybe he could work out the African Swallow/European Swallow coconut transportation conundrum. That one has baffled British comedians for almost four decades!

  4. I refute Joe Sinkholeski's Theory of Squirtolution with the scientifically proven fact that wimmens cannot e***ulate (CENSORED: word describing concept too foul to even spell) because they do not have Little Soldiers. Only Little Sailors in the Canoe. And that dog just don't hunt. Or squirt.

  5. Bukko Canukko:

    Yeah, what you said. I had some bad chicken one day a few months back and my "peach" was squirtin', pretty much nonstop for the next 24 hours. No sexual thrills, however, not a one. Well, maybe, just a little--no, that's just so wrong to even think about. I'll be back, later.

  6. Students take for granted the facts presented in the text books and lectures by professors

    And therein lie the problem! Students payin' $40,000 a year for a college education are expectin' "facts" from their professors and textbooks.

    Only in America!

  7. Joe appears to have aquired his academic acumen at Penn State.
    I see no indication of a formal edumacation. This may well explain the egregious butchering of the language, the pretzel twisted logic and the perilous reasoning.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.