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Monday, November 01, 2010

The Power of the Priesthood

Mormon men like Glenn Beck, Mitt Romney, and myself have an advantage over other men. We have the priesthood. It's given to every worthy LDS male--even the black ones since 1978--once they reach 12 years of age. I can trace my priesthood authority back to John the Baptist. I received the Aaronic priesthood from my grandfather. He got it from his father who received it from his dad, the Prophet, Wilford Woodruff. Joseph Smith gave it to him. Smith received it directly from the re-animated, but not zombified, John the Baptist.

Mitt Romney is connected to the apostles Peter, James, and John by a mere seven degrees of separation (and, therefore, by eight, to our lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ). These three dead, but not zombie, apostles took Joseph Smith out into the woods and personally ordained him with the Melchizedek Priesthood. The Prophet later bestowed it upon Orson Pratt, who, in turn, ordained the first of the Romneys. Four generation of Romneys later, the special God powers of the priesthood were given to Mitt.

And, indeed, they are very special God powers. They include: the power to heal, the power to bring down blessings from Heaven, and the power to speak to, and for, the one true God, Our Heavenly Father. It's that last one that serves as the basis for the greatest priesthood power of them all, the power to control women.

From the moment Mormon children reach toddlerhood, they are taught that God gave daddy the priesthood so he can rule the family. As they grow older, boys are taught that, as husbands, they will be the ultimate authority in their homes. Girls are crafted into homemakers and helpmeets and instructed to follow every righteous order their priesthood-holding husband should give them. After all, God is speaking to their priesthood holder--to disobey a priesthood holder is to disobey God.

That's why when one of LDS Social Services' priesthood-holding counselors told a patient that God commanded him to exorcise her demons by repeatedly placing his Iron Rod of God's Word inside her, she complied. Here's how the Salt Lake Tribune reported it:
"Holbrook told [Jacobsen] that he had prayed in the van of his garage whether or not it was appropriate to have sex with her,” according to the suit. “Holbrook told Plaintiff that he received an answer from God that they should have a sexual relationship. He further explained that being intimate would help her with her emotional problems."
Yes, God spoke to her therapist, a man who held the Priestood of Melchizedek, the same priestood conferred upon the Prophet Joseph by Jesus' beloved undead apostles, Peter, James and John. She had no choice, for God had spoken. She had to comply. So she did--in hotels in Logan, Clearfield and Salt Lake, a campground in Ogden, and at the therapist's mother's house.

Being a priesthood holder is very cool.


  1. General, Sir:

    Those fellers sing like angels. They haven't had their, um, junk, removed or anything, have they? I bet they really would look great if they wore uniforms (the red ties, are they some sort of "code", like, y'know, a red hankie, or sumpin?), I'm thinking black with silver piping and peaked caps. Does their repertory include the "Horst Wessel Lied"?

  2. You've convinced me. I'm switching to Mormom. This is even better than being a Catholic priest.

  3. "God told me" is awesome. It's even better than "I shit squid."

  4. If a man has the priesthood, then it's only right that he should get the maidenhead.

  5. Hmmm....I wonder how that'd work as a pickup line:

    "Hey baby, God told me to have sex with you. Your place or mine?"

  6. Christine:

    The unasked question is why didn't GOD tell the notmen and just save the priests of Moron all the trouble? I mean, there are many things a man can't be forced to do but the only men I know who wouldn't LIKE being forced to have sex with a notman are dead men.

  7. Seein' as how Mr. John the Baptist is all white and delightsome - it's no wonder that you, too, are a fine specimen, Sir.
    Don't know if any of the General's family still lives in Rich County, but Woodruff and Randolph are damn cold in the winter...Just sayin'
    And, due to the manly priestiness being handed to ol' Joe Smith twice!! no wonder he fetchin' flipped with impunity.

  8. How many's in that choir? 350, 400 people?
    Are you sure it really is 'even the black ones since 1978'?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.