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Friday, December 10, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The Emperor has no clothes" has died after being strangled, denied service and publicly disparaged by the world's most powerful leaders, all of whom own reams of magical, invisible thread. Last seen staring into a mirror while repeating the cryptic mantra Pay Pal, Visa, Master Card over and over, its bloody carcass was placed inside a cave, after which a stone was rolled in front of the entrance, blocking anyone from coming out or going inside. Subsequently, rumors began circulating that after the giant stone was rolled away the Opinion was nowhere to be found, rumors that have not been substantiated. So far no lepers have been healed, but the story is still young enough for wonders to appear.

In lieu of flowers the family suggests that you take a modest action that would bring music to the world--though your wallet by itself has but a small voice, when it joins a vast chorus the resultant symphony echoes throughout the firmament. The mighty will tremble at the sheer power and glory until the ancient and all but dormant gods themselves are roused, as the earth itself groans and grumbles in the mighty din. Sing! Sing! Sing!


  1. Anonymous3:21 AM

    has paypal stopped all donations using thier system or singled u out for some reason ?

  2. Look, we've all heard that kid shouting "The Emperor has no clothes!" And we've all laughed at him. Because to believe that rubbish, you'd have to be some kind of a conspiracy theorist.

    Do you REALLY believe that the Emperor's tailors could all get together and bamboozle the Emperor, who MUST be smarter and more worthy than us commoners, because he wouldn't be the Emperor if he wasn't? If you buy into this crazy theory, the Emperor's courtiers would be conspiring with his couturiers in some kind of plot that played on the Emperor's vanity, and SOMEBODY would have leaked news outside the groupthink if that was happening. They wouldn't have been afraid of the Emperor's dungeons -- the truth is more important to these wise advisors, after all.

    And if the Emperor had no clothes, don't you think the town criers on TV would be proclaiming it loudly? They wouldn't be afraid of the Emperor revoking their crying licenses, or the merchants' guild rousting them out of the public squares for disloyalty. If it hasn't been said by the town criers, it's not true.

    So I don't care WHAT I think I see with my own eyes. The Emperor's advisors have already said that only people with the most exquisite sense of style can see the Emperor's New Clothes. I'M not going to admit to being a dirty, tasteless clothie.

    That kid should STFU. The dungeon's too good for him. Good thing the Emperor has put him in a solitary cell so no one can hear his sedition, which is be bad for business. He's just like those lunatics that are asking "Why did Turret #7 collapse during the barbarian assault, when those hairy savages were nowhere near it?" I tell ya, they're all crazy, these conspiracy nuts!

  3. bernie is finishing hou 5..

  4. Excuse me for interjaculating on your sermonuary again, mjs, but I get enraged when I hear Questionauthoritiofascists who say this is not the Greatest Empire on Earth.

    I want to scream at them "Shut up! SHUT UP! How can you doubt that we're No. 1? We are the bestest and strengthyest, and if you keep on saying that we're not, the Empire might collapse because of your words!"

    Our Empire has the best medical system in the world! If you want to get bled by leeches, you won't find any hospitals that do it better than our Empire's. Citizens of other countries have to WAIT to have their internal organs examined by CT scanners, but our Emperor's subjects can get that done every time they want to get onto an airplane! (Soon to be every time they go into an Imperial building, or shopping mall, and at random checkpoints on the High Street.)

    Our Empire has deathmachines and slaughtroops that could eviscerate the Nazis or Tamerlane's hordes or any other foul army disgorged from the bowels of Hell -- that's how well we kill. And we prove it by having forts and wars all over the planet -- that's what the word "Empire" means, after all. You'd have to be a bearded heathen living in a cave to challenge our Empire's strength, and we're blowing those maniacs into red mist -- along with their entire families! -- almost as fast as they can recruit new ones. All hail the Empire! Or else.

    And our Empire's rich people are the richest in the world! Except for that Carlos Fatt of the southern swarthland, and George Scareos the Eurojeowifascist, and a few other foreigners up there on the Empire 400 list. But our Empire has LOTS or rich people, which proves our greatness, and for the rest of us, sometimes we get hired to walk around behind their poodles and pick up the Shih Tzu they drop on the lawn. Our Emperor gives us gubbermintcheesestamps and we have stores where we can look at all sorts of cheap plastic baubles and food with ingredients whose names we can't pronounce. Some of us even have enough money to buy that chit!

    So people should zip their lips about the Emperor and his clothes and the Empire. Otherwise, we're going to make those lips fat, or silence them entirely. That's what we have to do to protect the Empire's Freedom.


  5. Bukko: thank you for that tsunami of consciousness righteousness. Truly, the holy spirit is within you, messing about with your naughty bits no doubt.

  6. Sometimes the righteousness overflows from my patriotikkkal brain like fluids from the naughty bits. Which aren't the naughtyjuices any more, just that hypertrophied prostrate dribble, if you know what I mean. And I hope you don't know...

  7. hypertrophied prostrate dribble

    Wikileaks has nothing on this!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.