Sen. McCain asked to guestpost again. Please be kind to him. he knows where I live.
Thank you, General, for letting me use your electrical intertubes pamphlet typing machine thingy to address all these god damned lies people are spreading about me.
Before I get into what those lying bastards are saying about me, I wanna tell you why they're doing it. They're pissed off because I oppose homos in the military and giving citizenship to Mexicans who fought the Vietcong mullahs in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Goddamit, I spent almost six years in a Vietcong prison camp. My only friend was a god damned rat I named Sheila. She was a god damned heterosexual rat, so I had no problem with inducting her into the Air Force. Airman Sheila served me well. Hygiene was always a problem, so I ordered her to eat my "cheese." Nothing wrong with that--she's a lady airman, after all. And, dammit, she encouraged it by wearing that fur coat with all the god damned mangy spots in the most alluring places.
But then, after I came home, she wanted to become a citizen. I said, "No, goddammit, you're not some kind of white lab rat; you're a god damned dink rat. America is for god damned Americans."
Now, I'm not heartless. She served my country well. Recognizing that, I got her a work visa so she could advise me. That's about all she can do these days--she stopped moving and went all flat back in '69, but I keep her in my wallet, and she advises me.
She was the one who advised me to threaten Gaby Pacheco with arrest. Gaby was a former supporter of mine. I once used her back when it was OK to like Mexicans. She gave a speech for me. But things have changed since then. That's why Sheila told me to have her arrested. Mrs. Pacheco should be god-damned thankful for that. Sheila usually commands me to kill.
So, OK, Gaby isn't really lying when she says I wanted to arrest her, but goddammit, how can I tell the whole story on the tee vee. It's all about word biting there--no time to tell the whole story about Sheila. I had no choice but to call her a god damned liar.
I have to go now. A lobbyist offered me a god damned latte today. Sheila's very god damned angry about that. She wants me to do things to him.