--JC
Thank you, General, for letting me use your electrical intertubes pamphlet typing machine thingy to address all these god damned lies people are spreading about me.Before I get into what those lying bastards are saying about me, I wanna tell you why they're doing it. They're pissed off because I oppose homos in the military and giving citizenship to Mexicans who fought the Vietcong mullahs in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Goddamit, I spent almost six years in a Vietcong prison camp. My only friend was a god damned rat I named Sheila. She was a god damned heterosexual rat, so I had no problem with inducting her into the Air Force. Airman Sheila served me well. Hygiene was always a problem, so I ordered her to eat my "cheese." Nothing wrong with that--she's a lady airman, after all. And, dammit, she encouraged it by wearing that fur coat with all the god damned mangy spots in the most alluring places.
But then, after I came home, she wanted to become a citizen. I said, "No, goddammit, you're not some kind of white lab rat; you're a god damned dink rat. America is for god damned Americans."
Now, I'm not heartless. She served my country well. Recognizing that, I got her a work visa so she could advise me. That's about all she can do these days--she stopped moving and went all flat back in '69, but I keep her in my wallet, and she advises me.
She was the one who advised me to threaten Gaby Pacheco with arrest. Gaby was a former supporter of mine. I once used her back when it was OK to like Mexicans. She gave a speech for me. But things have changed since then. That's why Sheila told me to have her arrested. Mrs. Pacheco should be god-damned thankful for that. Sheila usually commands me to kill.
So, OK, Gaby isn't really lying when she says I wanted to arrest her, but goddammit, how can I tell the whole story on the tee vee. It's all about word biting there--no time to tell the whole story about Sheila. I had no choice but to call her a god damned liar.
I have to go now. A lobbyist offered me a god damned latte today. Sheila's very god damned angry about that. She wants me to do things to him.
Good thing Sheila died promptly, as rats tend to do. Otherwise, almostPresident Mc5Plane would've had to fire her and have her deported like almostGovernor Smeg Whiteman had to do to her illegal swarthimmigrant houseslave.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing -- I think McCrash is telling a flip-flop when he says he keeps flatShiela in his wallet. I say he keeps her deadratty self tucked up in his cheek -- the lumpy one, not the normal one on his right side -- like a wad of chaw. Just look at that face on McinsCain. Is that the look of someone who half-swallowed a mummified rat, or what?
ReplyDeletePost Vietnam declassified CIA documents show Sheila was a communist operative strategically placed to gain control of McCains already broken mind.
ReplyDeleteNow we know why people that meet McCain always smell a rat. I'm happy McCain came out of the closet with Sheila....interspecies love may be a personal choice but he need bear no shame or be dogged by the fear his longing is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
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