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Friday, January 21, 2011

Defending the Honor of Confederate-Americans Everywhere

As you may recall, I've been corresponding with a San Francisco hippy poet who is pretending to be Confederate-American. I challenged him to a fight in my last email. Here's his response and my reply.
Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2011 11:13:37 -0800 (PST)
From: "George William \(Bill\) Newport"
Subject: burn a confederate flag
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"

I was there,
the Confederate Memorial,
Caroll County Courthouse,
Carollton Mississippi,
1200 pm,
01 January 2011,
I arrive at zero six hundred hours 01 January 2011,
I stay until sixteen hundred hours 01 January 2011,
no one there knew of any asshole using the e mail address,
no one there ever heard of the Cornfed lack of Intelligence Bureau
obviously a fake name you lurk behind,
nice small town,
do not bother these people they are way nicer then you are,
or can be,
I did not expect your homosexual ass to show up,
and you did not disappoint me,
this would have required you to be a real man,
use spell check asshole you cannot spell worth a shit
Dear Mr. Newport,

I suspect you're not being truthful. How is it that we both spend our New Years Day at the Confederate memorial on the grounds of the Caroll County(Mississippi)Courthouse and fail to run into each other? I mean, my Lord, no one was there--it was New Years Day.

Wait, there was that odd-looking guy who wore a big, flowered, Hawaiian muʻumuʻu and a Dolly Parton wig and was packing a .50 cal Desert Eagle. I didn't want to bother him because he was, uhh, doing things--you know, wonderfully special and very personal spelunking things--with his gun.

I thought he looked and acted too much like a true patriot to be you. Was I wrong? Were you in disguise?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You're right about the town. Carollton, MS is a truly Confederate kind of place. I chose it because more businesses from that county advertise in the White Citizens Council's Council of Conservative Citizens' newsletter than from anywhere else.


  1. Someone actually spent from 6:00AM to 4:00PM New Year's Day hanging around an unfamiliar town to meet someone from the Internet? Really? New Year's Day?

  2. Thank you, Dear General, for the Poetry and Presence.

    He is strong in spelling, but light on the commas.

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. By jiminey, he said clear as day why he hung around all day - he was looking for some homosexual ass.

  5. You can have my .50 calibre Desert Eagle when you pry it from my brown, stinky.... hands! That's it, hands. Wouldn't want it pried from anywhere else. The ridge on the barrel hurts like buggery if you pry it the wrong way from other places.

  6. And now for something completely different.....

  7. I thought Desert Eagles were .357 mags.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.