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Thursday, October 14, 2010

I am not a Northern Lady Part!

I received this email from someone claiming to be a fellow Confederate-American. I respond, below.

Dear Mr. Newport,

How dare you pretend to be a Confederate man, you ignorant pool of hog santorum. If you knew anything about our dear Confederacy, you'd have guessed the truth about my Burn the Confederate Flag Day operation. It was a covert op I ran for the Confederate Intelligence Bureau (CIB), an organization created in 2004 by the Constitutional Court of the Confederate States of America (Occupied). I was simply collecting intel for use on the The Great and Glorious Day of The Righteous Rogering.

Did you really think you could fool me? Your email bears all the marks of something written by a San Francisco hippy. I mean, my God, you wrote me a poem, and not just any kind of poem, but one of those filthy beatnik poems that don't rhyme and include whole stanzas that simply repeat the word "motherfucker" over and over gain. I had to rent bongos just to read the God damned thing.

Well, I'm telling you, poetry boy. You can stop dragging yourself through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry hick, because, by God, you found him, and he's hankering to kick your tye-dyed, clove-cigarette-smoking, birthday-party-stationary-using ass.

The truth is you don't have the right stuff to be a real Confederate, and you know it. That's why you're so angry. You know that you'll never be invited to our secret man-sword crossing parties, a sacred tradition we've been practicing since Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee first drunkenly struck their man-swords together at a party in Fredericksburg.

It's just something we don't share with secularist hippies.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen, JC Christian, patriot

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.


  1. I knew he was a dirty commie hippie when he wrote that 'you didn't have an ounce of common sense'--that's elitist talk for countrybliss sativa. What a cow's ass! What a horny toad! He's gonna get them revenuers on his case lickety split. Can't say I warned him because I didn't.


  2. Still the dog is kinda cute...and so expectant...

  3. Why do those kkkloseted homoseconfuckerats have this obsession with butt sex? Whenever they write angry e-mails, they always go right for the anal imagery. This Newport feller must have strong tendencies toward teh ghey -- he's fascinated with stuffing stuff up the male poop chute.

  4. birthday-party-stationary-using ass

    Blew coffee all over monitor.

  5. General, Sir:

    Ignoring for the moment the suspension of disbelief that a flag or anything else would be getting shoved up YOUR rectum--'stead of the otherwayround--how on earth would you keep it square, so's to know which edge was bein' fudgepacked? I think this feller's got you confused with Larry "Wide Stance" Craig. Now, Larry, he might just be able to shed some light on the subject.

    Tap three times on the stall wall if you love me.

    Twice on the floor, if the answer is "No!".

  6. General, when you write lines like this -- “I had to rent bongos just to read the God damned thing” -- I almost want to retire from the blogging game altogether. This I will never outdo. Mercifully, I had put down my coffee cup before I read it.

  7. And not even one ALL-CAPS word in his screed; incredible!

  8. Just don't try burning a Nazi flag instead. That'd really piss of Rich Iott.

  9. General, Sir:

    I had to rent bongos just to read the God damned thing.

    Winning the Internet, one post at a time. This, sir, is why we read. I, for one, salute you.

  10. Richard, I beat ya to it!

  11. Dave:

    I know you did--I just didn't see your post until after I put mine out there. So it's great minds thinking alike or something akin to it.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.