Recruiting Family Values Candidates for the GOP

Mike Shields
Political Director
Republican National Campaign Committee

Dear Mr. Shields,

As excited as I am about the House Republican Caucus's Compelled Childbirth and No-Such-Thing-as-No Job Stimulation Initiative and its Email-a-Nipple Family Values Campaign, I'm worried that you may not have enough traditionally-minded Congresspeople to get all this work done. I'd like to help. I think I've found the perfect guy to challenge Jim McDermott, the Demislamunistofascist Congressman from Washington's 7th District.

Here's a short profile I put together for him:

Name: Duane Starkenburg

Preferred form of activism: Mr. Starkenburg firmly believes in exercising his constitutional right to thrust his face deep into the hind parts of any woman who jogs near him.

In his own words:

• "Do any of you gentlemen think you're man enough to stand in front of my face with that camera?"
• "I go to the park to watch women run--they're half naked."
• "Would you watch women run...if she's wearing spandex?"
• "I was balancing myself on a woman, and I fell."
• "I've been celibate for seven years"
• "I have never even touched her once without her coming out of the shower."
• "I've taken a lot of knives from people down at the drunk tank...go down to the drunk tank and ask them."
• "If she wouldn't have taken out her cellphone, I wouldn't have taken her cellphone."
• "We need to get off the commie laws, people, and get back to the America that use to be."
• "I was banned from Lincoln Park, so all you ladies are safe in Lincoln Park."

What people are saying about him:

• "His nose was up in my butt."
• "He did a face plant in my butt...lingered for a few moments."