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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Recruiting Family Values Candidates for the GOP

Mike Shields
Political Director
Republican National Campaign Committee

Dear Mr. Shields,

As excited as I am about the House Republican Caucus's Compelled Childbirth and No-Such-Thing-as-No Job Stimulation Initiative and its Email-a-Nipple Family Values Campaign, I'm worried that you may not have enough traditionally-minded Congresspeople to get all this work done. I'd like to help. I think I've found the perfect guy to challenge Jim McDermott, the Demislamunistofascist Congressman from Washington's 7th District.

Here's a short profile I put together for him:
Name: Duane Starkenburg

Preferred form of activism: Mr. Starkenburg firmly believes in exercising his constitutional right to thrust his face deep into the hind parts of any woman who jogs near him.

In his own words:
  • "Do any of you gentlemen think you're man enough to stand in front of my face with that camera?"
  • "I go to the park to watch women run--they're half naked."
  • "Would you watch women run...if she's wearing spandex?"
  • "I was balancing myself on a woman, and I fell."
  • "I've been celibate for seven years"
  • "I have never even touched her once without her coming out of the shower."
  • "I've taken a lot of knives from people down at the drunk tank...go down to the drunk tank and ask them."
  • "If she wouldn't have taken out her cellphone, I wouldn't have taken her cellphone."
  • "We need to get off the commie laws, people, and get back to the America that use to be."
  • "I was banned from Lincoln Park, so all you ladies are safe in Lincoln Park."
What people are saying about him:
  • "His nose was up in my butt."
  • "He did a face plant in my butt...lingered for a few moments."


  1. Bloody feminazis. They're all lesbians trying to kill off the human population.
    Dogs sniff each other's butts and the freedomnazis aren't up in arms, so why when we do it?
    How is a normal guy like me or Duane supposed to meet chicks? First they stopped us being able to kidnap them and marry if they weren't found or the ransom paid, now we can't even nosedive butts in the park!

  2. General, Sir:

    Thanks to your constantly harpi--, I mean your ceaseless efforts in edumicating me and the rest of the troops on matters sexualistical, I do KNOW that women can't have organizms, 'cuz they don't got a little soldier, just a sailor in a boat. But, isn't it in the bow, not the stern? What, 'zackly, was that guy lookin' for?

  3. In the movie, he will be portrayed by Bruce Willis.

  4. Hey, Starkenutter didn't put it on Craigslist, so it didn't really happen. Smells like GOP spirit to me!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.