Republican National Campaign Committee
Dear Mr. Shields,
As excited as I am about the House Republican Caucus's Compelled Childbirth and No-Such-Thing-as-No Job Stimulation Initiative and its Email-a-Nipple Family Values Campaign, I'm worried that you may not have enough traditionally-minded Congresspeople to get all this work done. I'd like to help. I think I've found the perfect guy to challenge Jim McDermott, the Demislamunistofascist Congressman from Washington's 7th District.
Here's a short profile I put together for him:
Name: Duane Starkenburg
Preferred form of activism: Mr. Starkenburg firmly believes in exercising his constitutional right to thrust his face deep into the hind parts of any woman who jogs near him.
In his own words:
What people are saying about him:
- "Do any of you gentlemen think you're man enough to stand in front of my face with that camera?"
- "I go to the park to watch women run--they're half naked."
- "Would you watch women run...if she's wearing spandex?"
- "I was balancing myself on a woman, and I fell."
- "I've been celibate for seven years"
- "I have never even touched her once without her coming out of the shower."
- "I've taken a lot of knives from people down at the drunk tank...go down to the drunk tank and ask them."
- "If she wouldn't have taken out her cellphone, I wouldn't have taken her cellphone."
- "We need to get off the commie laws, people, and get back to the America that use to be."
- "I was banned from Lincoln Park, so all you ladies are safe in Lincoln Park."
- "His nose was up in my butt."
- "He did a face plant in my butt...lingered for a few moments."