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Monday, February 14, 2011

Rum, Buggery, and the Lash

Eugene Delgaudio
Supervisor, Stirling District
Loudoun County, Virginia

Dear Supervisor Delgaudio,

I was a little taken aback when I first read what you wrote about the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa, Florida:
When the young men are sufficiently intoxicated, homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk them away to God knows where to take advantage of them sexually.
Frankly, I found it hard to believe. I mean, my God, they're pirates for crying out loud. Other than perhaps cowboying and biking, nothing exemplifies the heterosexual lifestyle quite like pirating. Simply hearing the word, "heterosexual," prompts images of chaps, biker leathers, and silky pirate ruffles to pop into one's mind.

But then, I read a little further into your essay and saw this:
One mother complained her three year old had witnessed a man performing oral sex on a Jack Sparrow look alike in her front yard.
Although I'm not quite sure what "oral sex" is, it sounds homosexualist as hell to me. And I have to admit that simply thinking about Jack Sparrow puts all kinds of wicked thoughts into my mind--thoughts like images of Hero of the Homeland, Dick Cheney, naked and on all fours, squealing like a grand champion hog as Sparrow spanks him with the side of his blade..

I don't know why I didn't make the connection between pirates and homosexualists before. Just look at what they called their ships. They gave them names like Adventure Galley, Bachelor's Delight, Fancy, Happy Delivery, Scowerer, and Golden Hind...really, Golden Hind.

Obviously, we have to stop them before they move around Florida's thingy's head and up the Atlantic coast to places like Leesburg, Ashburn, and Sterling. That's going to mean buying frigates (a lot of them) from the Royal Navy. I trust you'll work with your fellow supervisors to make that happen.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ol' helmet to reader Mark.


  1. "Frigate" sounds somewhat indecent as well...

  2. At first, I thought this post was titled “Rahm, Buggery and the Lash” … so, imagine my surprise when I found out it wasn’t about the Chicago mayoral election.

  3. General Sir!

    I think this can be cleared up rather easily. Its more about the code language used in certain subcultures. Sure, on the outside it can sound insideous, but it isn't.
    First, 'performing Oral sex on Jack Sparrow' sounds like a disgusting, filthy islamo-communisto-homosexualist act. The fact is, it is the opposite. It refers to Oral Roberts Approved Lasting sex. See? Now that it is explained, its not only innocent, but quite Godly.

    What about the gay pirates? Its simple. This guy Dogaudio or whatever is simply anti-pastafaranian. He hates the FSM. Why? Because the FSM is pro-Pirate. Dogaudio is pro-Ninja. That's all. That's all it is about.
    It is about honouring the late, great Oral Roberts and choosing which sinde you're on for Pirates vs Ninjas.
    Can we just keep with the important issues like who isn't wearing a flag lapel pin?

  4. General, Sir:


    "There are even countless stories of any number of immoral sex act being performed by open homosexuals - some even in broad daylight during the event."

    is a puzzler. I would think an "open homosexual" would have problems doin' anything, 'cept for tryin' to keep his innards from becomin' outards.

    Having spent the winter in Tampa (85/86) during which I worked at a florist that had 20 designers--7 not-men, 13 notnot-menbutnotregularmenifyougetmydrift, I would suggest that Mr. Del Gaudio (that is one GAY name, btw) take a trip over to Ybor City if he wonders where those poor young drunks are getting snatched away to. He might want to stop at the Cigar Factory while he's there and get a handrolled smoke--or somethin' like that.

  5. I come down on the side of the Penzancians. Swashbucklers like the song and dance of festivals.
    Male rites of passage such as being keelhauled off to Ybor City's cigar machiladoras where the finer arts of puffery and cigar rolling are taught to uninitiated young men readying them for work in urban areas like Tampa and Charleston.I think this is what the GOP meant by we're for JOBS! JOBS! Jobs!

  6. Who better than a local politician in Virgin-yeah to know that Gasparilla Day pirates down there in Floriduh are all about promoting buggery on the high seas?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.