Supervisor, Stirling District
Loudoun County, Virginia
Dear Supervisor Delgaudio,
I was a little taken aback when I first read what you wrote about the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa, Florida:
When the young men are sufficiently intoxicated, homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk them away to God knows where to take advantage of them sexually.Frankly, I found it hard to believe. I mean, my God, they're pirates for crying out loud. Other than perhaps cowboying and biking, nothing exemplifies the heterosexual lifestyle quite like pirating. Simply hearing the word, "heterosexual," prompts images of chaps, biker leathers, and silky pirate ruffles to pop into one's mind.
But then, I read a little further into your essay and saw this:
One mother complained her three year old had witnessed a man performing oral sex on a Jack Sparrow look alike in her front yard.Although I'm not quite sure what "oral sex" is, it sounds homosexualist as hell to me. And I have to admit that simply thinking about Jack Sparrow puts all kinds of wicked thoughts into my mind--thoughts like images of Hero of the Homeland, Dick Cheney, naked and on all fours, squealing like a grand champion hog as Sparrow spanks him with the side of his blade..
I don't know why I didn't make the connection between pirates and homosexualists before. Just look at what they called their ships. They gave them names like Adventure Galley, Bachelor's Delight, Fancy, Happy Delivery, Scowerer, and Golden Hind...really, Golden Hind.
Obviously, we have to stop them before they move around Florida's thingy's head and up the Atlantic coast to places like Leesburg, Ashburn, and Sterling. That's going to mean buying frigates (a lot of them) from the Royal Navy. I trust you'll work with your fellow supervisors to make that happen.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A tip of the ol' helmet to reader Mark.