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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Elmo, Locked and Loaded

Elizabeth X
Youth Pastor's Wife
Publisher, A Picture of Grace

Dear Mrs X,

I agree. This comment by "John" about the present you gave your daughter on her fourth birthday is hateful:
Who the h*** gives a girl...let alone a 4 year old girl a BB gun? She needs to be playing with dolls and learning to be a mom.
As you note, John has no right to apply his urban value system to your cherished rural-based personal beliefs. If you want your toddler to patriotically exercise her Second Amendment rights, it's your choice to do so.

John's hateful comment also completely discounts the important role guns play in child rearing. How does John think little Lydia will keep her kids in line once she becomes a mother? Time-outs and corner-sitting might be fine punishments in some situations, but a .410 bore blast of rock salt to the butt puts a child on the straight and narrow much more quickly.

You're obviously a good mother, and your firearm choice is proof of that. Although a .22 cal. Beretta Bobcat is the go-to weapon for 4-yr-old boys, a Daisy Model 1998 lever-action BB gun is the perfect firearm for a 4-yr-old girl. They're small, light, have an almost imperceptible kick, and are available in pink. You fit the firearm to the child. You'd be surprised how many parents don't do that.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and .357 cal. hot-loaded wadcutter appreciating kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General, Sir:

    My personal "pocket protector" is a snub-nosed. It looks nothing like that Bobcat thingumabob--for one thing the Bobcat's barrel is a whoppin' 2.4" long--what the hell kind of ostentatious display is that. You want "concealed carry"?, well, me, I'm like most of the troops in that I am taking on faith that I still HAVE a "pocket protector", not having seen it since shortly after that Shoney's opened up out there on I-90.

  2. Hey General,
    In the year (+/-) that I’ve been reading you, this is the first time I actually have sympathy for your mark. I read (the one) entry in her blog; she understands her role as “tenured”. I also am a women with a capacity for self sufficiency. To survive, we need to fuck, suck, catch, cook, clean and perform calculus based statistics, all with grace. If my daughter gave a goddamn, I would teach her all these things. She won’t even eat the chickens I kill.

  3. As Aliene said:
    "We each have a right by God's laws to raise our children according to His standards."

    As much as a little girl should shoot guns, the little girl should be practising being a mom. Why, she is 4! There are only a few more years before she should be sold off to some elder gent as a wife!
    However, I'm torn. Learning how to defend herself may have a unGodly impact on her marriage. I mean, if she is taught to defend herself with a gun, she may get subversive ideas about resisting her husband's rights over her & her body. God would NEVER approve of such a wild, unsubjugated beast.

  4. Did anyone else notice that at the same time cartoons began looking more life-like real life was becoming more cartoony? I half expect credits to roll whenever the sun sets.

  5. Did anyone else notice that at the same time cartoons began looking more life-like real life was becoming more cartoony?

    I have noticed that my real life has turned entered an alternate universe from some political science fiction novel, in which ignorant miscreants pose as "leaders" and everything they say is 180 degrees opposite of the truth. I thought that when you passed through a Stargate or something similar and entered a new reality, there should be some shimmery effects and a whooshing sound. If my world shifted into this bizarre alternate universe when I was asleep, that's just not fair.

  6. Just catching up, General, and strongly disagreeing with John. My mother gave me a BB gun when I was four years old, and thanks to that gift, I spent the next three years in bed, with nothing to do but read. So I learned to read.

    Mama never asked what happened to her paperback copy of "Valley of the Dolls." She must have been reading it while I was zonked on Darvon. I found it, and life is good to this day.

    Give a girl a BB gun, and she'll devote her life to pursuit of prescription pharmaceuticals.

  7. Anne Johnson:

    I din't need no BB gun. I found PharmaJESUS without any help from Daisy or S&W!

  8. My mother gave me a BB gun when I was four years old, and thanks to that gift, I spent the next three years in bed

    There must be a heckuva story behind that, eh? Did you put someone's eye out and get sent to bed without your supper until it was time for second grade?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.