Gen. JC Christian, BYU Professor of Safe Non-Sex Studies

Duff Tittle
Associate Athletic Director
Brigham Young University

Dear Brother Tittle,

The brethren had high hopes for BYU basketball this year. With a 27/2 record and a number 3 ranking in both major polls, who could blame us? But then the team's franchise player, Brandon Davis, placed his most holy and sacred urim inside his girlfriend's dirty little thummim.

Beginning the moment he first drove the ol' post and slam dunked it hard, it no longer mattered that Davies, as ESPN noted, "gave the Cougars length and size inside." He had violated the Y's rules against fornication. You had to throw him off the team.

But it didn't have to come to that. It could have been avoided if BYU had required the players to attend a safe non-sex course. Certainly, you now understand that depending on traditional, unofficial transmission of such knowledge was folly. As much as practices like dry humping have become a major part of BYU's culture, such knowledge apparently failed to penetrate the locker room.

If you offer me the position of Professor of Safe Non-Sex Studies, I'll help you change that. I've followed the development of Mormon non-sex techniques for over 40 years. Not only am I an expert on dry hump grinding methods, I've experimented extensively with "floating," a new technique all the returned missionaries are now practicing. Here's how one of my colleagues describes it (I've cleaned up the language a bit):

What you do is (I'll try to be as medically accurate as possible) is insert your [little soldier] in your girlfriend's [woo woo] and try to hold as still as possible. The lack of movement means you are not having sex. You just sit there, I assume naked, and don't move.

Of course when I say I've "experimented extensively" with floating, I mean I've done it a lot with watermelons (My wife, OfJoshua, is always busy ministering to our neighbor, Mr. Garcia, and other not-men kick me hard in the grenades when I ask them for help).

Hmmmm, it just occurred to me that I may have created a new technique, "melon floating." That should be worth a doctorate, shouldn't it?

Well, let me know when I should fly down to sign the paperwork.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Here's a course you'll never see at BYU.