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Monday, December 14, 2009

Thingy Ring Harnesses the Power of Prayer to Enhance Your Floating Experience

Sam Pitts

Dear Mr. Pitts,

Although your "Agape Bracelet" is a great idea--who wouldn't want a bracelet that vibrates when someone is praying for them--it's focused too narrowly on a single market: convangelicals. You should consider expanding your line to target other faith groups as well.

I'd start with the Mormon youth market by introducing a scaled down version of the bracelet. You could call it the "Agape Thingy Ring" and market it as a chastity-ensurer for those who engage in the non-sexual act of "floating."

Being a gentile (non-Mormon), you may be unaware of this practice. Here's how one observer of LDS culture describes it (I've cleaned up the language a bit):
What you do is (I'll try to be as medically accurate as possible) is insert your [little soldier] in your girlfriend's [woo woo] and try to hold as still as possible. The lack of movement means you are not having sex. You just sit there, I assume naked, and don't move.
You know it must be difficult to remain motionless with your unit in there. That's why I think there'll be a demand for the Agape Thingy Ring. Think about it. You just slip it onto your Great and Powerful Staff of God-Fearing Chastity before driving it deep into a not-man's Slippery Cave of Virginal Steadfastness and you're set. The ring will vibrate with the power of prayer, reminding you to remain still and, by doing so, help you deny your essence to the temptress.

I wish I'd had something like that in my Mormon youth. We didn't have floating then, but a thingy ring would have saved me a lot of grief when dry humping turned ugly.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet Tips to John G and Doxees.

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  1. General, Sir:

    Any statistics on how successful the "floating" thing has been. I mean I know that for a lot of married guys who have wild sex every night of the week, lying still once in a while wouldn't be a problem. Otoh, for those of us who would consort with a wolverine given the chance, I don't think lying still while one's little soldier is intent on obeying the prime biological directive would even be an option.

  2. I'm a little unclear on this: is floating an extension of the denounceing of dancing?

    ... or was that the Baptist?...

  3. Joe V,

    I had a Baptist friend in law school (about a thousand years ago) who used to say that he and his wife couldn’t have sex because it might lead to dancing. If only they’d’ve known about this “floating” thing.

  4. That's funny, someone once gave me a bracelet that was supposed to vibrate every time someone thought I was an asshole. I wonder if the two technologies are related.

  5. I vibrate when I think of Mason Jars.


  6. My wife has this thing that vibrates, and I do think it has something to do with religion, as when she uses it, she goes into her quiet place or her closet, as Jesus directs, and she does speak in tongues and calls upon the Lord quite a bit.

    But in addition to the Praise and the speaking in tongues, she also yells expletives, as in "Oh God! Oh sh1t! Fu©k me! Oooohhhhhwawawaawabananabananazippangziwow!" so I'm confused. Her holiness at these moments almost seems demonic in its intensity, what with her coming up off the bed and all, and the way she screams at me to shut the door and go away whenever I try to watch. It's downright scary.

  7. So all those yellow Liverstrong bracelets were really Spiritual Objects!


  8. Nothing that vibrates around here (at least not that I am aware) but the Mrs. does have a "not in the" Mood Ring. Does that count?

  9. Are you sure that this thing is supposed to be worn around a wrist? I've heard tell that there is a magic way with wearing something like this someplace else. Maybe Kansas?

  10. As Yeats once remarked, Things Fall Apart/The thingy ring cannot hold...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.