Candidate for President
Founder with Benefits, Renewing American Leadership Charity
Dear Mr. Gingrich,
I understand your campaign is faltering, and, according to your former aides, your wife, Callista, is to blame. They say she's leading you around by your little bonaparte and commanding you to do her bidding. From what I've seen, they appear to be right.
That ain't GOP presidential. You have to put a stop to it. I know it's hard, but I think I can help.
You must deny Callista your essence. That's your problem. She's drained you dry of all the essence you built up over time and in between encounters with various interns, waitresses, publicists, and inflatable companions. You have to build your reserves back and top off your man buckets so you can regain your manhood and finish this campaign.
It'll be difficult. She wants your essence, and your huddled essence yearns to be free. But you must resist.
Be creative. Wrap a patriotically colored elastic band around your little minuteman to prevent your essence from escaping. If some should leak out, use a Tootsie Pop stick to ram it back in--no harm no foul. Don't watch wrestling, Matlock, or Birth of a Nation; and for god's sake, get rid of all your Barry White albums.
Follow my advice, and I promise you'll find yourself standing, albeit very frustratedly, at the podium on the final night of the Republican National Convention.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot