A Kiss, a Shiv, and a Pastor named Faggart

A Kiss And a Shiv

Pastor James Belcher
New Light Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Belcher,

Wickedness reigns in this world. There is no better evidence of that than the vicious assault you suffered at the hands of that "friend of homosexualists," Joan Parker.

You had done nothing to her. You were simply preaching the word of God by randomly yelling the words "sodomy, wrath, and cheeses in a long, righteous, schizophasian loop. Yet that 74-yr-old woman chose to assault you in the most soul-shattering way possible, by gently hugging you and a kissing you on the cheek.

Yes, it could have been much worse had you not turned your head to deny her your lips. But still, a smooch on the cheek is a violation so hideous in nature, the fact that she missed your lips provides little solace.

Some condemn your response, claiming that, somehow, her actions were more Christ-like than yours. But they worship a modern, effeminate Savior. They bow down before a counterfeit love-thy-neighbor-espousing anti-Jesus, a filthy hippy of redemption foisted upon us by so-called "nice Christians."

We know better. If you are to be faulted for your response at all, it is because your response was timid in comparison to what Our Lord, Jesus, would have done. He'd have beaten that sin-excusing homophilist to a pulp. And then, after quickly fashioning a home-made shiv from one of your ribs, He'd have shanked her like a cheap C-Block snitch. Because, that's how our Jesus rolls, baby.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

And a Pastor Named Faggart

Pastor Jeff Faggart
Harvest Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Faggart

The spirit seemed to really animate you during the Salisbury Gay Pride Parade, Pastor Faggart. I mean, hey, it almost seemed personal to you, Pastor Faggart. It was as if God had touched your heart in a furiously wrathful way, stoking your hatred of homosexualism like it was an assault on your very identity. Please share the secret of your righteous anger with the rest of us, Pastor Faggart.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot