Travel Channel Tempting Men into Homosexualism and Not-Men into Committing Sin of Klinton

Bryan Fischer
Ed Vitagliano
American Family Association

Dear Mr. Fischer and Mr. Vitagliano,

I saw the most disturbing thing on television the other day. It was on a show called Bizarre Foods. It's host, Andrew Zimmern, is on a mission to introduce patriots to strange, un-American, foreign cuisines. Here's what he had to say about dining with the Arabislamunistosantaofascists of Sicily:

Salvatore’s family has been making products like these since 1854, for five generations….so when he says the sperm is good, who am I to argue.

We drove on to Salvatore’s home for lunch and his wife and cousins made us
Bottarga Antipasti, Tuna Sperm Linguine...

That's right, he ate tuna sperm. Here's a transcript from the show:

00:30:56 Nothing like a little preserved tuna sperm to kind of cap off a good meal.
[...]
00:48:14 Not spongy, but very creamy consistency.
00:48:19 It's like liver. yeah.
00:48:21 If you blindfolded someone and said, "what " they would probably tell you it was poultry liver.
00:48:27 Not quite as mineral-y as cow or vealiver.
00:48:33 That's very good, though.
00:48:34 And nice with the olive oil and capers.
00:48:36 Little salt. it's fantastic.
00:48:38 And I'll tell you something, it's so hard to find some good tuna sperm these days.

Worse yet, he's trying to popularize sperm slurping in America. In this video, Zimmern gulps down a load of blowfish, yes blowfish, spunk in Philadelphiastan.

What if Andrew Zimmern is telling the truth about sperm? What if it truely is a delicious treat? What would happen if Travel Channel viewers decided to try the exotic sperm dishes featured on "Bizarre Foods" and liked them?

Fish sperm is a gateway spunk. Eventually, those who slurp it will seek even harder forms of sperm. It will turn men into homosexualists and drive women into committing the Sin of Klinton. They'll become spunk vampires, gobbling every last drop of essence from the good, god-fearing patriots of the Heartland.

How long will it be before some desperate sperm junkie forces you to stick your little soldier in his or her mouth and milk you like you're a youth pastor at an abstinence convention?

You and your colleagues at the American Family Association can stop this. Boycott the Travel Channel. Boycott it now. Teach them the same lesson you taught Disney, Old Navy and Ford.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot