Wisconsin State Senate
Dear Sen. Harsdorf,
I love the message of your "Family" ad. It's something we can all relate to. You're doing what you're doing so your son can have a better life.
I'm guessing that's why you're sponsoring ALEC's and Altria/Phillip Morris' legislation to reduce the ad valorem (obviously Mexican talk) tax on moist snuff tobacco products. You want your son to be able to buy the finest chewing tobacco, not that crappy long cut Skoal or leafy Beechnut. And, by God, you're right, our children's lips deserve the best, Copenhagen Snuff or Philip Morris' Snus, and nothing else.
By boldly defending snuff, you've become a member of a larger family of chewing tobacco enthusiasts, one we call Dip Nation. We're a fine bunch of proud Confederate-Americans who hate the OBAMUNIST USURPER, despise homosexualism, and love spittin' and throwin' up.
Your new family at Dip Nation has a lot of energy we could contribute to your campaign. Although it might be too late to do ads for the tee vee, you could enlist us to tell our stories via robocalls.
Dip Nation's Taylor Galleberg has a particularly compelling story to tell. It's the kind of story that demonstrates the need for your legislation like nothing else. Take a look at what he has to say and I'm sure you'll agree:
I know a guy who threw a dip in his dick hole!That's the kind of thing you can't do with anything other than a moist snuff. A man's urethra just isn't meant to accept long cut and leaf chews--you'd need some kind of ramrod to stuff Skoal, Grizzly, or Beechnut down it.
But moist snuff, well, to paraphrase Walt Garrison. "Just a pinch shoved down your thingy hole; it feels mighty relaxin' in there." OK, it might be an intensely burning kind of relaxation, but pure Copenhagen satisfaction nonetheless.
Imagine Mr. Gallenberg telling that story in one of your robocalls:
Hi, I'm Taylor Galleberg. I'm calling in support of Wisconsin State Senator Sheila Harsdorf. Sure, a lot of people hate her for destroying education, emasculating services, and blindly serving the wealthy, but I'm here to tell you about the good things she's doing for our kids. She sponsored a bill lowering taxes on moist snuff tobacco products. Thanks to her, our children can stuff tobacco into their urethras without resorting to using ramrods. That's a big win for the kids of Wisconsin, and that's why I'm voting for Senator Sheila Harsdorf.Please get back to me soon, so we can begin taping those robocalls.
Heterosexually yours, in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and intensely burning kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot