Herman Cain: "About Last Night"

Please welcome our newest blogger, presidential contender Herman Cain, to Jesus' General.
-- Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thank you, General.

Given my recent problems, I thought it might be wise to address potential rumors before they meld themselves into the public mind like a slice of cheap imitation pepperoni slapped down on a steaming pile of processed CheeseSubstance®. And what better place to do that than here, at Jesus' General.

Later today, or tomorrow, or next week, you may hear that I attended a Halloween party last night, and that I may have done certain things or committed certain acts. Don't believe any of it. It's untrue, and unworthy of any response.

That said, I'm responding anyway. It's the only way I can stop vicious bastards like Piers Morgan from tearing me apart. That's why I'm issuing the following prebuttals:

• I always wear a leisure suit to parties; it was not a costume.
• I did not flatly state that it was a Tootsie Pop. I may have implied it, but ultimately, it's the dog's own damned fault.
• Seriously, the jack-o-lantern looked 23.
• And who puts fishnet stockings on a pumpkin anyway.
• Don't judge me until you've witnessed how the line on the back of a fishnet stocking stretches so tauntingly over the smooth firm rind of a luscious pumpkin.
• Uh, yes, perfectly smooth and firm.
• Oh, yes.
• Please excuse me for a moment.
• Oooooooh. Capital gains. Capital gains. CAPITAL GAINS.
• Ahhhhhh
• ...
• OK

Uh, you may now hear another rumor, but let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with placing anything, anything at all, in a nice, moist, warm pile of CheeseSubstance®.