The Great Hall of Conservative Heroes

Charles G. Koch
David H. Koch
Koch Industries, Inc.

Dear Mr. and Mr. Koch,

Are you aware that there is no single place a patriot may go to learn about the greatest Americans: those men, and they are all men, who've worked so hard to advance the cause of conservatism against godless, market-hating libislamunistofacism?

With your help, I mean to change that by building "The Great Hall of Conservative Heroes" in Muskogee, Oklahoma. All I need from you is $250 million. I know that sounds like a lot of money, but if you think about it, it's nothing compared to what you spend to elect candidates and pass legislation to keep your labor cheap and your taxes low.

I've already picked the first six inductees. They are men whose works have made them the most beloved heroes of conservatives everywhere.

1. Rush Limbaugh
Conservatives love him because he isn't afraid to call: a spade a spade (so to speak); blacks a race of criminals and welfare cheats, and an unmarried woman a slut and a whore.

2. Andrew Breitbart
Patriots consider him to be conservatism's first saint. A master character assassin, his pursuit of such unheartlandishly-hued targets as ACORN and Shirley Sherrod won him the hearts of Confederate-American patriots throughout the country.

3. Sheriff Joe Arpaio
No one hates Mexicans or the Fourth or Eighth Amendments more than Sheriff Joe does, and that's enough to make him one of conservatism's greatest icons.

4. Dick Cheney
Like any true patriot, Dick loves torturing the brown and unJesused as much as he likes going to war to seize oil deposits.

5. David Koresh
Martyred by the Klintons, Koresh fought for our right to bear arms and our religious freedom to marry pre-teen girls.

6. Jesus Ayn Christ
I haven't really read the Bible. All I need to know about it I learn from listening to Republican candidates and watching CBN and Fox News. From that, it's obvious why we love our Lord and Savior. He's like all the other five inductees wrapped into one.

I suppose I could add two more initial inductees if someone were to ad an additional $50 million.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot