Obama Using Sorcery to Bring About Apocalypse

First, they grabbed Our Savior's foreskin. Then, they stole fragments of His crucifixion cross. A few months later, they violated the reliquary that held St Brigid's jawbone. And now, they've absconded with St. Laurence O'Toole's heart.

Who are they? Who would steal such sacred Catholic relics? And why would they do it, especially in this age when you can obtain Jesus' immaculate face by simply making a piece of toast or frying up a tortilla?

The question of "who" can be easily answered by solving the question of "why." Look at the list of stolen relics: Jesus' foreskin, three pieces of the cross, and a saint's jawbone and heart. The items are four of the five ingredients needed to turn a willow branch into the Great and Horrible Pointed Stick of Andromalius--the weapon the Antichrist will use to begin the apocalypse by taunting the Lord's champion while repeatedly poking him in his secret parts.

As of now, the fifth ingredient, St. Anthony's tongue, is tucked away deep inside a basilica in Padua, Italy. But it isn't safe there. The Antichrist, Barack Fluke Obama, is using the dark power of contraceptives to pressure the Catholic Bishops into surrendering the saint's tongue. Sure, it might appear as if he's denied their demand to impose God's law on their gentile employees, but being the Antichrist, he's crafty--he's merely applying pressure until they slip him their sacred tongue.