Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Salige er de saksøkende, for de skal saksøke de jævlene

The unJesused are in an uproar because Pastor Chuck O’Neal is suing a former congregant for writing a bad review on Google. Currently there are 592 reviews,nearly all of which attack Pastor O'Neal for his litigiousness, at the Beaverton Grace Bible Church Google Maps page.

I felt someone should stand up for him, so I added my own, positive review:
None of these modern, liberal, effeminate churches teach the truth about Jesus. He loved to sue people. There was nothing our Lord and Savior would rather do than drag some spice trader into court and ream him a new one. Heck, he even loved it more than crafting a fine cabernet out of ditch water.

They won't tell you that at the hippy churches, because it ain't in their heretical NIV or KJV Bibles. You gotta to go to the the original scriptures to read what Jesus really said. And by that, I don't mean those written in Greek; you gotta read the originals, the ones written in Norwegian.

Take a look at Matthew 5:7. The KJV believers will tell you it says "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." That's a lie. If you read that same scripture in Jesus' original Norwegian tongue, it says: "Salige er de saksøkende, for de skal saksøke de jævlene." Translated to American, that means "Blessed are the litigious, for they shall sue the bastards."

The rest of the KJV's translation of the Beatitudes is no better. It leaves out the parts about blessing the torturers, the credit default swap traders, and those who taunt the poor, and, worse yet, the part about how it's unmanly to have sex with women--only an effeminate man would find such a soft and girly body attractive. Real men have sex, very heterosexual sex, with men, only. It's why all the apostles hung around Jesus rather than the Marys.You have to go to the original Norwegian to read that.

I bet they teach the Norwegian Bible at Beaverton Grace Bible Church. Pastor Chuck O’Neal sure sues like Jesus, and he looks like a man who's manly enough to deny his essence to women.

1 comment:

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.