"Feminism Causes Cancer"

The Thinking Housewife's Laura Wood, or as I like to call her, "Serena Joy," did some hard, traditional-minded thinking and came to this conclusion:

The truth is, feminism causes breast cancer.

Abortion, delayed childbearing, childlessness, lack of breastfeeding, the birth control pill – many medical experts agree these phenomena, all abundantly supported by feminists, are connected to the striking increase in breast cancer in Western women.

Then she did some more thinking--this time about the OBAMUNIST USURPER'S statement about how not-men should be given opportunities to advance in this world--and concluded that such advancement would come at the cost of forsaking the Barbie ideal:

He’s right, of course. It is truly shocking how powerless women are. When I look at this picture of women dressed up as Barbie dolls, it reminds me of how much we have yet to gain. These women could be CEO’s or congresswomen or even PRESIDENT. If not for the Republican War on Women and millennia of oppression, they would be very busy right now. Someday, when equality is achieved, they — or women like them – will ascend the heights of power and become the bureaucratic goddesses they are meant to be.

There is a beautiful mountaintop, a Valhalla where all women will someday reside as CEO’s, congresswomen, college presidents, generals, franchise owners, etc. There they will rule the world, feasting on contraceptives and looking down on the male mortals below, who will have finally gotten their comeuppance. The laughter and shrieks of joy of these divine CEO’s will resound throughout the universe.

Or maybe she's saying that Barbie will rule Valhalla or become the CEO of Asgard Inc. It's hard to figure out what she means:

Obama said yesterday, “You are now poised to make this the century when women shape not only their own destiny, but the destiny of the whole nation.” How stirring! It’s amazing what a good deal a degree at Barnard is. If we are lucky, we may have Barbie as a president this century or, if the Paycheck Fairness Act is passed, Barbie as Ruler of the Universe. Imagine how smoothly things will run. Barbie never makes a false move.

Commenter Natassia tries to clear up the confusion:

And her biggest complaint was that it was always women trying to look like Barbie, rather than men trying to look like Ken...Many of my family members are a part of a culture that exalts physical appearance and particularly “sexiness.” I will not be a hypocrite and claim I was not once a part of it, because I was: nightclubs, calendar shoots, Photoshop, plastic surgery. Interestingly enough, there is a simmering misandry that occasionally bubbles to the surface when we women (or “jackals” as I call us) sit around the table drinking mimosas and mojitos. If one takes the role of Devil’s advocate, the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) accusation is that one is brainwashed by her husband–a ninny who can’t think for herself. My own mother has labeled me as such, and we are no longer on speaking terms.

OK, that didn't help. Perhaps commenter Jane S. can sort it all out:

Feminists would like to do away with monogamous marriage.

But what about Barbie, Amazon Valhalla, and the OBAMUNIST USURPER? "Serena Joy" seems to be telling us that none of that would matter in a traditional polygamous society:

While monogamy is beneficial to women, it is not true that polygamous societies are more oppressive of women than men. In fact, the opposite is true. In a polygamous culture, most women are guaranteed a husband. But a significant minority of men never have wives. Polygamous societies benefit powerful men and leave lower status men stranded. Poor men do not have wives, concubines and slave girls.

So polygamy is the answer. It benefits women by giving them a head of household rather than cancer or some filthy Norse heaven. As for Barbie, maybe that was some kind of zen thing.