"I Am, I Said" or "GOP Rules News Cycle"

On Monday, we saw the God's Own Party's biggest win in a news cycle since "Black Friday," the day Richard Nixon fired all the traitorous bastards who were investigating his triumph at the Watergate Hotel.

The biggest victory occurred live on national television when Piers Morgan interviewed Rep. Todd Akin's empty chair. The chair, tastefully dressed in a neutral charcoal-colored fabric, cunningly employed silence by ignoring every question and, thereby, provided the clearest, most detailed explanation of the GOP's compelled birth policies given thus far this campaign season.

The House Republican Caucus also won big, yesterday, when word of their recent trip to Israel leaked out. Following in the footsteps of our Lord and Savior, a number of our most pious congressmen and staffers got hammered as hell on the Holy Land's best wine and then skinny dipped in the Sea of Galilee. It was said to be a very moving experience for all.

"Imagine it," gushed one staffer,"Rep. [Kevin] Yoder's wang bobbed in the same currents as Jesus' did almost 2000 years ago." Another quickly added, "The only difference was that Rep. Yoder didn't have to worry about those giant swimming dinosaurs with those big freaking teeth nipping at his immaculate thingy."

But perhaps the GOP's finest moment came when ex-witch, ex-masturbator, ex-senate-candidate, and reborn virgin Christine O'Donnell gave CNN anchor Solidad O'Brien lessons on defining Marxism. "It' uh, uh, uh, I'll get to that," and explaining what she means when she calls herself a policy wonk, “I mean, that’s what… Policy junkie. Political junkie. You know, I mean…”