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Friday, September 14, 2012

Mitt Would Kick Obamunist Butt in a Spartan-Style Wrestling Match

Yahoo! News and Esquire hired pollster Gary Langer to do a survey and came up with this:

That's the libsatanunistofascist media for you. They obviously phrased the question in a way that forced people to pick the OBAMUNIST USURPER.

Everyone knows we Mormons don't fight with our fists. We wrestle. Heck, the modern founder of our religion, the Prophet Joseph Smith, loved the sport. He was always asking guys to wrestle with him:
Joseph’s love of sport probably made it hard for him to ever pass up a good one-on-one free-style [wrestling] match...Brassfield was “the champion wrestler of the country,” McGee reported, yet the Mormon leader won the bout handily, throwing Brassfield “the first two falls out of a match of three” (“Special Correspondence” 23). A Latter-day Saint by the name of Wandle Mace indicated he was about as strong a man as the Prophet, and remembered Joseph would constantly hound him... Joseph would shake his hands and “pull me to him for a wrestle,” but he declined the Prophet..

On occasion, the Prophet even challenged much smaller individuals we might consider to be the more non-athletic type to wrestle with him. Unfortunately one such contest ended with Joseph’s breaking Howard Coray’s leg.
The only thing the Prophet Joseph loved more than wrestling was pulling men's sticks:
The Prophet Joseph was perhaps even more skilled in stick pulling than he was at wrestling...Perhaps one reason the Prophet frequently enjoyed pulling sticks was that the activity could be done indoors or out, was not prolonged, and the participants could be wearing nicer clothes as they would not necessarily get dirty...Benjamin F. Johnson remembered that in all the many occasions he saw the Prophet compete in stick pulling he never saw him beaten...
I have no doubt that Mitt Romney could whip the OBAMUNIST USURPER by either wrestling him or pulling his stick. Heck, if you combined the two by wrestling in the manner of our ancient Spartan forbears--that is naked and oiled--Elder Mitt would cream him.

Think about it. "Naked" to Mormons means stripped down to our sacred underwear. The most pious of us never take them off. We do the wang dang doodle wearing them; we keep them looped on one foot while bathing and showering, and when we change our underwear we don't remove the dirtied pair from one leg until the other is covered with the clean pair.

Imagine how hard it'd be to get a firm grip on Elder mitt's body while he was wearing such a loose-fitting garment all slicked up with oil. The Antichrist would be constantly turning greasy cotton rather than flesh, and even if he tried to grab Mitt's stick, the underwear's sacred opening would probably be turned sideways, lying over Brother Romney's thigh or buttocks.

Of course Elder Mitt would also be hampered by the constantly shifting position of the sacred hole, but there are other openings--the leg hole for example-- through which he could slip his Great and Rigid Staff of Righteous Domination and drive it deep into the Obamunist Usurper's cave of shame.

No doubt about it. Elder Mitt would be covered in the santorum of victory in any spartan-style wrestling match against Obama.

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