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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Special Guest Blogger: Mitt Romney

Today, I have a very special guest blogger, Mitt Romney. Please treat him with respect. He's going to be Our Leader.
--Gen. Christian

Thank you, General, for allowing me to take over your blogging enterprise. I don't see many assets here, but we might be able to to increase profits by replacing you and your commenters with a couple of Bangladeshi kids--they'll do anything for a few grains of rice.

We'll talk about that later, I have other corpses to baptise right now. That's a metaphor. My advisers tell me I should use them, so I do, a lot, like when I say Obama's policies closed that plant in Wisconsin back when Bush was president. That was a metaphor. Same goes for when I pretended I was poor in college. It was a metaphor. Don't ask me to explain. Just like it, because it's a metaphor and I could take your business, sell all the assets, and replace all the workers with Bangladeshi kids. I'm going to do that anyway, but like I said, we'll talk about it later.

You may have noticed how I boldly got ahead of the president on the Libyan situation, this morning. It was a gutsy gambit, but I saw it as a great opportunity to create my own reality, a reality in which people might actually vote for me. The Bangladeshi kid who writes my metaphors says I was successful. He called my speech a "large, two-beetle-worthy ball of elephant dung." I love that. I'll have to use it before Ryan claims he wrote it while on safari.

I thought it was important to act quickly. That will be one of the defining features of my foreign policy. I'll quickly respond to developing situations to avoid the possibility that emerging facts might temper my response. It's like I said, "the first response should be outrage" That's what American foreign policy will look like in a Romney administration--think of it as "W-heavy," all the anger and viciousness of the Bush years, but more rash and much less adulterated by contemplation.

That's all the time I have. Ann's cooking away at the stove (hey, another metaphor) making good old-fashioned American comfort food: broiled Scottish hare with Muskovy foie gras and truffles.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.