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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Shooting the Breeze with Yahweh

A lot of people know that Mitt believes that both the Bible (KJV) and the Book of Mormon are sacred scriptures, but few are aware that two other holy books, the Pearl of Great Price and the Doctrine and Covenants, are just as sacred to Mormons. The latter one is my favorite, because it documents God's conversations with dudes in the 19th and 20th centuries.

Section 21 is a good example of what the Lord, God of Abraham had to say when he was shooting the breeze with his mortal buds. It begins with God saying he hates freaking rivers so much, he's cursed them, but he wants Sid Gilbert and Bill Phelps to get into a canoe and get their asses down river, anyway:
3 But verily I say unto you, that it is not needful for this whole company of mine elders to be moving swiftly upon the waters, whilst the inhabitants on either side are perishing in unbelief.

4 Nevertheless, I suffered it that ye might bear record; behold, there are many dangers upon the waters, and more especially hereafter;

5 For I, the Lord, have decreed in mine anger many destructions upon the waters; yea, and especially upon these waters.

6 Nevertheless, all flesh is in mine hand, and he that is faithful among you shall not perish by the waters.

7 Wherefore, it is expedient that my servant Sidney Gilbert and my servant William W. Phelps be in haste upon their errand and mission.

8 Nevertheless, I would not suffer that ye should part until you were chastened for all your sins, that you might be one, that you might not perish in wickedness;

9 But now, verily I say, it behooveth me that ye should part. Wherefore let my servants Sidney Gilbert and William W. Phelps take their former company, and let them take their journey in haste that they may fill their mission, and through faith they shall overcome;
Then He goes on to really scaring the shit out of Brothers Phelps and Gilbert as they ready their canoe:
14 Behold, I, the Lord, in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters.

15 Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh shall be safe upon the waters.

16 And it shall be said in days to come that none is able to go up to the land of Zion upon the waters, but he that is upright in heart.

17 And, as I, the Lord, in the beginning cursed the land, even so in the last days have I blessed it, in its time, for the use of my saints, that they may partake the fatness thereof.

18 And now I give unto you a commandment that what I say unto one I say unto all, that you shall forewarn your brethren concerning these waters, that they come not in journeying upon them, lest their faith fail and they are caught in snares;

19 I, the Lord, have decreed, and the destroyer rideth upon the face thereof, and I revoke not the decree.
Did you get that? Satan loves racing his jetski up and down the Missouri.

God continues by assuring Elders Sid and Bill that He isn't sending them to be killed on Lucifer's river because He's still pissed off at them. He got over his anger while he was drinking his Postum this morning:
20 I, the Lord, was angry with you yesterday, but today mine anger is turned away.
"Now get your sorry asses out of here."
21 Wherefore, let those concerning whom I have spoken, that should take their journey in haste—again I say unto you, let them take their journey in haste.
Now turning his attention to Sid Rigdon, Joe Smith (yes, that one), and Ollie Cowdery, God tells them they're too damned valuable to risk their butts on the river. He wants them to travel by land, and, maybe, by canal if they're careful:
23 And now, concerning my servants, Sidney Rigdon, Joseph Smith, Jun., and Oliver Cowdery, let them come not again upon the waters, save it be upon the canal, while journeying unto their homes; or in other words they shall not come upon the waters to journey, save upon the canal.

24 Behold, I, the Lord, have appointed a way for the journeying of my saints; and behold, this is the way—that after they leave the canal they shall journey by land, inasmuch as they are commanded to journey and go up unto the land of Zion;
And, oh, that land of Zion is Cincinnati:
30 And again, verily I say unto you, my servants, Sidney Rigdon, Joseph Smith, Jun., and Oliver Cowdery, shall not open their mouths in the congregations of the wicked until they arrive at Cincinnati;
Which in those days appears to have been as wicked a place as Boise is today:
31 And in that place they shall lift up their voices unto God against that people, yea, unto him whose anger is kindled against their wickedness, a people who are well-nigh ripened for destruction.
And dammit, don't you dare try to break up Ray Cahoon and Sam Smith:
35 And let them journey together, or two by two, as seemeth them good, only let my servant Reynolds Cahoon, and my servant Samuel H. Smith, with whom I am well pleased, be not separated until they return to their homes, and this for a wise purpose in me.
Note: This scripture serves as the basis for the prohibition against missionaries swimming,


  1. Ya know, the English usage and cadence of the King James Version were already archaic in the Seventeenth Century when it was translated. Why would the Lord still be using it in the Nineteenth Century?

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.