Mitt Romney: "My Disaster Relief Plan"

Once again, Elder Mitt Romney is our very special guest blogger. He is strong like Stalin, so please treat him with respect in your comments. Otherwise, he will crush you --Gen. Christian

Thank you, General, for standing their quietly as I seize control of your blog once again. There's a lot of misinformation being spread out there, so I'm going to take this opportunity to talk about my policy in regard to disaster relief. Let me say right out front that I'm not going to get rid of FEMA.

One of my first acts as president will be to dissolve the Federal Emergency Management Administration. The private sector can do a much better job of managing disaster relief if we allow them to do so.

Under my plan, the money the government currently spends funding FEMA will be shifted to a contract with Sensata Technologies. Take a look at their website and you'll see they are a very well-managed company. Their success in the cut-throat world of electronic sensor production provides them with all the experience required to manage the disaster relief needs of this nation.

The Sensata contract will save the taxpayers money by downsizing the disaster response infrastructure. Extravagances like shelters, temporary housing, public health, search and rescue, and debris and floodwater removal will be axed from the budget . Instead, the contract will provide for telecommunications centers in Guangzhou, Tianjin, and Mumbai.

Callers from these centers will contact disaster survivors who have fulfilled their local telecommunication system repair requirements and, with a minimum of taunting, urge them to get off their behinds and rebuild their homes, neighborhoods and cities.

Additionally, some emergency food and lifesaving products will be purchased if a favorable purchasing opportunity exists. At this moment, over 97,000 cans of catfood are available for purchase at pennies on the dollar. Paul Ryan tells me that's enough catfood to feed nearly 7000 senior citizens for a week. Yet the Obama Administration lets it sit unused in Chinese warehouses.

I also have a contact who can get me a good deal on hemp twine, a vital tool in any emergency situation. In the flooding we've seen as a result of Hurricane Sandy, the twine could be used to lash a dozen dogs together to serve as an improvised life raft. Again, another opportunity that Obama's FEMA missed.

I have to go now. I have a meeting to coerce the Red Cross into accepting the canned food I collected against their wishes, but, in closing, I want to stress that I have no plans to get rid of FEMA.