Playing Nephites and Indians

Jan Van De Merwe
Latter Day Designs

Dear Mr. Van De Merwe,

Thank you for creating both pre and post curse versions of the Laman and Lemuel LDS action figures. It makes it a lot easier for us when we go out to the reservation to preach to the Lamanites. We just get out all the figures and pretend that the light-skinned Laman one is picking on Nephi, trying to shove the Urim and Thummim up into his secret parts. Then, I do my voice of God impression, cursing Laman and Lemuel and all their descendants by darkening their skin and turning them into Indians and making them a "dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations." While everyone's attention is on me, my wife, OfJoshua, makes the switch to swarthy Laman action figure.

We also do the reversal "white and delightsome" thing that the Prophet, Spencer W. Kimball talked about. We use your stripling warrior and missionary figures for that. We preach to the stripling warrior until he accepts the gospel, then we switch him out for that Norwegian-looking missionary figure.

Do you have any plans to make white and black Cains--you could put a bloody rock in the black one's hand. We could use them to explain the Curse of Cain to the Negroes.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You're name doesn't sound like a real American name. Are you a South African refugee?

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "A white person flying an airplane into a US Government building with the intent to do grave harm is committing a terrorist act" has died as a result of being flown by a white person into a US Government building apparently with the intent to do grave harm. According to those science-crowd types, flying planes into buildings is really bad for planes and the people who fly them, and not very good for buildings (and the people inside them) either. The Opinion was believed to have been born at FOX News in the late 1990s, but who can remember back that far?

The Opinion had seeped into the public/media's consciousness over the past decade, during which time it was somehow decided that terrorists could not, by definition, be White American Males (WAM). Though Timothy McVeigh had attacked his country in April of 1995 it was established that he was not a "terrorist" but rather "a concerned Caucasian citizen." McVeigh was later depicted in a rather famous Bud Light advertisement as the "Too heavy" portion of the "too light/too heavy" campaign. But not "too white."

Services for the late Opinion are pending as of this writing, however when they do take place you can be assured they will be white: very, very white. And if you have a small, white child who wants to be a terrorist when he or she grows up, break it gently to the tender soul that such a lofty dream is impossible, explaining patiently that such a child cannot by definition be a terrorist--the best said child might hope for would be to grow up and become a traitor to the nation, and if lucky, a mass murderer to boot.

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The Opinuary Column arrives most Fridays at Jesus' General.

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