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Monday, December 20, 2010

Playing Nephites and Indians

Jan Van De Merwe
Latter Day Designs

Dear Mr. Van De Merwe,

Thank you for creating both pre and post curse versions of the Laman and Lemuel LDS action figures. It makes it a lot easier for us when we go out to the reservation to preach to the Lamanites. We just get out all the figures and pretend that the light-skinned Laman one is picking on Nephi, trying to shove the Urim and Thummim up into his secret parts. Then, I do my voice of God impression, cursing Laman and Lemuel and all their descendants by darkening their skin and turning them into Indians and making them a "dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations." While everyone's attention is on me, my wife, OfJoshua, makes the switch to swarthy Laman action figure.

We also do the reversal "white and delightsome" thing that the Prophet, Spencer W. Kimball talked about. We use your stripling warrior and missionary figures for that. We preach to the stripling warrior until he accepts the gospel, then we switch him out for that Norwegian-looking missionary figure.

Do you have any plans to make white and black Cains--you could put a bloody rock in the black one's hand. We could use them to explain the Curse of Cain to the Negroes.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You're name doesn't sound like a real American name. Are you a South African refugee?


  1. trying to shove the Urim and Thummim up into his secret parts.

    My hospital has had an influx of guys with plastic hockey action figures that have become lodged in their secret parts. The Orest Kindrachuk high-sticking figurine from the "Broad Street Bullies" days of the Philadelphia Flyers seems to be particularly prone to this sort of incident. The guys who suffer from this enlodgement always say that they slipped on the ice and sat on these things accidentally, but they don't have any good explanation for how they happened to be bare-assed at the hockey rink.

    Of course, the action figures are always stained all Lamanite, which ruins them as far as sporting images go, because everybody knows there are no swarthy hockey players.

  2. Why does the font for "Latter-Day Designs" look strangely like the titles for "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?

  3. Bukko, when I've gone to see our Sharks play, I figured Joslin and Mayers just got real tan from the glare of bright light reflecting off the ice. And I figured Mike Grier must have stayed on the tanning bed too long trying to avoid SAD.....

  4. Thank you! Finally a biblical action toy for our children. When I was a child, the homosexulibralmuslimosocialisto fascist where trying to recruit children into the homosexualist lifestyle with He-Man. What boy didn't feel the stirring in his loins and the desire to be dominated by He-man every time he twisted his torso for a recoil punch?
    I won't even touch on the necrophilia feelings about Skeletor.

  5. What ever happened to the Kung Fu Grip?

  6. Libs are confusing. First, you support ending the war, then, you dissaprove Palin, then, you approve of alla the gay schtuff, then, you dissaprove of torture, then, you take the Eucharist when it cleerly states gays won't come to Heaven without repentence, then, gays go home and schtick their weinerschnitzels in other people's holes. S'up withat, brudda? I'm confused. If Fred Phelps doesn't care, thinking he's the only one and his clan going to Heaven, how does Fred win the lottery of eternal life, brudda? tok2me. God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, SNL

  7. Hey, Brother Van De Merwe must've gotten your message, because the post curse versions of the Laman and Lemuel LDS action figures are no longer available.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.