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Monday, October 10, 2005

Dr. Robert Glenn and the Mystery of the Pernicious Penis

Dr. Robert Glenn
Vice President for Student Affairs
Middle Tennessee State University

Dear Dr. Glenn,

I wonder if you haven't acted too rashly in confronting your school's penis graffiti problem. While prosecution is usually the best response to anything involving the penis, the artist in this case may be making a statement in support of traditional conservative values.

For instance, I'm beginning to hear the word "impeachment" a lot lately. People are angry with Our Leader for his bold move to revive traditional free market principles like corruption and cronyism, his mendacity-based approach to defense issues, and his support for those who betray intelligence assets for the greater glory of his presidency. Perhaps the penis artist was attempting to demonstrate the inappropriateness of such talk by reminding people what truly constitutes an impeachable offence.

It is also possible that the graffitist was using his or her art to defend another great American patriot, Jeff Gannon. He's currently being attacked for his role in the betrayal of Valerie Plame. Of course, such attacks are unfair, because if the harlot, Gannon, was indeed involved, he was acting on the best of intentions, that is to betray national security information in order to punish the wife of a man who had embarrassed the President. The graffitist may be trying to draw attention to Gannon's plight by drawing his picture on the sidewalk. Yes, I know it looks like penis graffiti, but so does Gannon--he's often affectionately described as a "cock-headed man whore" on the internets.

Those are just two examples of why the graffitist might deserve to be rewarded rather than punished. But one might ask how do we determine his or her intentions. Well, I think you need to catch the culprit in the act. That might seem like a daunting task given the high number of possible suspects and the sheer square footage of the concrete on campus--you can't watch everyone and everything at once--but with a little logic, you could narrow down the possibilities.

Think about it. There are really only two groups at MTSU who'd be motivated to do such a thing. Your College Republican affiliate, the Raider Republicans, for the reasons stated above, and Womens Studies majors.

You can rule out the female Raider Republicans right away. There is no way they'd draw a penis; it would be too similar to touching one. That's a major taboo for Republican women. Even the contact they make during their most intimate moments are justified as being accidents. "I reached to give Cletus the remote and my hand slipped and accidentally stroked his little deacon 47 times;" "I tripped over the gear shift and my mouth accidentally engulfed his throbbing staff of leadership;" and "I lost my balance showing him my ballet moves and the next thing I knew, I was riding the steer in the reverse cowboy position" are all very common excuses.

We can also possibly rule out the male Raider Republicans by looking closely at the drawings. Is there blood at the scene? Are there any firearm or large truck elements incorporated into the penis drawings? If the answer to either question is no, then the Raider Republicans are not responsible.

You see, it would be very difficult for a male College Republican to draw a penis. Its siren song would awaken his deepest fear, the same fear that drove him to embrace the symbolically manly, testicular illusion of power that attracted him to conservatism in the first place. Nobody thought John Wayne was a homosexual; he kicked too much ass.

Drawing a penis is an intimate act. Too intimate for someone who is insecure about his sexuality. That's why a College Republican couldn't do it without convincing himself for short periods of time that he might be a friend of Dorothy's. During those brief moments of clarity, he'd react as any good god-fearing Christian conservative would react--he'd beat up the homosexual by banging his own head against the sidewalk, thus leaving a telltale pool of blood near the drawing.

In between bouts of head-banging, the College Republican will become deeply insecure as he considers the huge size of his drawing. He'll be racked with waves of shame, knowing that he'll never be able to measure up. To compensate, he'll add monster tires to the penis's scrotum to give it more of a Humvee feel. Or he'll draw the penis ejaculating in machine gun fashion, spraying seed like a kind of long, hard, fleshy assault rifle.

If you find no blood or compensation-related additions to the drawings, you'll know that the culprit is a womens studies major. Her motive will be to emasculate the men on campus by furthering the myth that the average male penis is much bigger than it actually is. It's an old feminist tactic. The spreading of the myth of a 4+ inch penis in popular feminist magazines like Cosmo has caused tremendous damage to the male psyche. It's hard to dominate women in the public sphere when they're laughing at your little soldier in the bedroom.

Well, I hope I've been helpful. Good luck.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Femmes De Guérillero Du Tennessee

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