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Friday, March 13, 2009

Will Big Love Cause White Flight from Heaven?

Sonja Eddings Brown
Media Specialist
Southern California Public Affairs Council

Dear Mrs. Brown,

Thank you for the warning us about HBO's Big Love. I, too, am incensed that they would show one of the actors wearing temple garments.

That said, I don't think you considered your audience while writing your email. The sacredness angle is for gentiles*. It distracts them from the implications of requiring women to don beehive state burqas, men to dress up like "clean room" workers at a bio-warfare facility, and the silliness of putting little green fig-leaf aprons on both genders.

But gentiles aren't your mail list's audience. We're Mormons, and as such, we're more motivated by embarrassment than sacredness. You should have crafted your message around that.

You know after the show is aired, smirking coworkers and acquaintances are going to ask us about the garments (that is if they can get the words out between suppressed laughs). How do we respond to that? Do we tell them God wants us to dress up in 19th century masonic garb?

And what if Big Love shows more than the garments? What if it shows the endowments? We're going to be inundated with requests from people wanting us to teach them the secret handshakes that'll get them into the Celestial Kingdom. I can hear them now, "Come on JC, show us that "Sure Sign of the Nail, please. I want to see Jesus' face when I give him the ol' celestial fistbump and get in on a technicality."

Worse yet, what if they show the endowments close up, and every Tom, Dick, and Harry, or worse yet, Obama, learns the mechanics of the handshake. Consider the ramifications of that. We're just a handshake away from having a black family moving onto a planet next to ours in the Celestial Kingdom. Now that's the kind of thing that'd motivate your audience.

Oh, and oh my heck**, what if they bring up celestial marriage? We've done a fairly good job of distancing ourselves from polygamy on Earth, but what if everyone learns that we have no problems with plural marriage in the afterlife? We could catch so much heat that God would become uncomfortable enough to give the prophet a revelation saying that polygamy is banned there too. You know how God hates bad press. That's why he ended polygamy on Earth and gave the priesthood to blacks (not to mention the time he drowned every child in that great flood of his).

Darn it. I had dibs on Sophia Loren, Gong Li, Phyllis Schlafly, and most of the alto section of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Now, Big Love is going to screw that up.

Flippin' bodaggets.***

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and certainly not a 2 Nephi kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Urim and Thummim translation of Mormon-speak: "Non-mormons (includes Jews.)"
**Urim and Thummim translation of Mormon-speak: "OMG!"
***Urim and Thummim translation of Mormon-speak: [Readers, please forgive me, but I have to provide an accurate translation] "Fucking balls of shit that cling to a sheep's ass-wool."


  1. Sir, this is flippin' awsum. I plan to use the word "bodaggets" at every opportunity, also.

  2. How come no other Christian sub-cult offshoots have come along since Joseph Smith & Co.? Not including Jim Jones & Branch Davidians & The New Christy Minstrels, et al (naturally) there just haven't been any new kids on the block in quite some time. I bet it's because no other Christian organization could compete with the magic seeing stones and Kolob and "remind you of god" underwear that the Mormons have.

    If we put our minds to it, maybe we could come up with another form of Christianity but without all the "Jesus saves" stuff in it. We could call it "Judaism."


  3. If you've got 0:15 to spare, Tom Hanks was downright prophetic at the Big Love 3rd season premiere:

  4. MJS: you're forgetting the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Seventh-day Adventists, the Worldwide Church of God (and its many many many many offshoots) and, the biggie of them all, the Pentecostals, which got started in 1900.

    There's been plenty of ferment since Joseph Smith's death in 1844.

  5. "Fucking balls of shit that cling to a sheep's ass-wool."

    The technical term for those things is "dags." I can't believe Waldo or Mentis hasn't brought this up yet. That's why you should punch an Aussie or Kiwi in the face if they ever call you "daggy." Not you, Gen'l. I'm sure no one would ever do that. But the rest of yez...

  6. I guess that's where the phrase Dag-nabbit! comes from - nabbing a sheep's dingleberries. Ya learn something new every day.

    And Mirele is correct. There's no shortage of people will to find new ways to test the limits of credulity. The difference is that none of them have as much money as the Mormons. Much less their own state.

    I wonder, when they're getting dressed for the big party, do they ever look at each other say, Jesus this is silly.

  7. Mirele, we missed the biggest one of all - Scientology! I think they may even have more money than the Mormons.

    To continue, I can well understand Sister Sonja's objections. These ceremonies, when taken out of context, must look utterly bonkers to the uninitiated. They must look like they were made up by some ignorant rube talking into his hat. A one hour television show can never fully depict the sublime beauty of a religion that believes the evil aliens were chained in their holy underwear by Native Americans to a giant volcano in the garden of Eden in Missouri?

  8. Jeff: I didn't forget the Scientologists! How could I forget the people who plastered my neighborhood with "Religious Bigot" posters back in the late 90s?

    No, I didn't include Elwrong Hubfart because it's not a Christian religion derivative. It's more like a pure money-making operation.

  9. From a friend (I'm not this smart). He suggests the following:


    Tower Theater [n.b. arts movie house in Salt Lake City]

    Temple duds dress-up night
    Green Jello™
    Bandelo Bondage
    “Five Points of Fellowship” Twister™ contest
    Paper Mache Swedish Jesus replica
    Strip Rook card game
    Karen Black singing “Hie to Kolob”
    “Tight like unto a dish” wet garment contest

    After he wrote this, he said he had to go off and repent.

  10. mirele: thank you for the correction. I must admit I do not know the particulars that make those later offshoots unique--they just don't have the glow of Mormonism's shaggy dog story.

    Just guessing here, but I'm pretty sure Jehovah's Witnesses helped Jehovah prove his whereabouts during a certain "creation" and saved him billions in lawyer fees. The Seventh Day Adventists are a Calender-centric group(?) with an emphasis on placing small pieces of chocolate in holiday themed calendars...and Pentecostals don't want to snort or smoke the Holy Spirit: they want it coursing through their veins.

    It's tough knowing so goddamn much, yet I gracefully endure my omniscience.


  11. Well, ya gotta give HBO credit for not going down the Talking White Salamander route.

  12. General, Sir:

    We got "Save The Whales", "Save The Polar Bears", "Save The Furbish Lousewort"; hell, there's prolly a "Save The Cockroaches" campaign out there, somewhere. But what about the fucking TAPIRS!?, Sir!! I mean, pirouettin JESUS in a bias-cut, spangly jumpsuit, who's lookin' out for them? Ah, it's enough to make a grown man, or me, cry.

  13. Well, commie: I have to confess, I was unacquainted with the tapir. I found this picture and I'm not sure these things should be saved. Don't get me wrong I'm all for polar bears, whales and even cockroaches (as long as there not in my house) but the tapir, I'm not so sure, although I think it might serve as a replacement for the RNC elephant, they could use some change, this might be more appropriate. As always, I appreciate your sensitivities,


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.