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Wednesday, July 01, 2009

10 non-sexual acts for Gov. Sanford's favorite ladies

Gov. Mark Sanford
State of South Carolina

cc: Newt Gingrich, Horndog
Michael Steele, Comedian

Dear Gov. Sanford,

Your latest confession has a lot of people wondering how exactly you had affairs with multiple women without actually having sex with any of them. I'm guessing it's a definitional issue, and that's a shame, because I thought Newt Gingrich cleared that up years ago. Remember that? He clearly stated that putting your little moralist into a lady's mouth isn't a sexual act. But here we seem to be going over all that again.

It's really something we need to clear up once and for all. That's especially true with Newt still in the presidential mix. But it's not just him. You'd be doing all the potential candidates a huge favor if you listed out all the acts you did with those women that weren't sexual. Just imagine if Ensign had known which acts were sexual and which weren't. He's still be in the race.

I'm enclosing a list to help you to help them. Just put a check mark next to all the non-sexual acts you committed with those women.

1. Putting your little governor into a lady's mouth.
2. Licking the little sailor in a boat (Yes, I know the sailor is a mythical creation of femislamunistofascists bent on undermining our wives' satisfaction with us, but that makes it even more nonsexual.)
3. Sending the little guy spelunking into someone's cave of shame.
4. Attempting to make lady-pillow babies.
5. Pleasuring yourself with an O'Reilly ReamMaster 5000 while talking to a staffer on the phone.
6. The Grateful Grip of Glory
7. All those foreign, non-missionary positions.
8. Paying someone 40 bucks to trim your manparts with a Flowbee.
9. Asking the mailman to spank your bare butt with Ofjoshua's spatula while you have your way with one of Mr. Garcia's watermelons.
10. Covering yourself with honey, rolling in cornflakes, and then lying on the ground and waiting for the squirrels to go into a feeding frenzy.

Please get back to me quickly. 2012 is coming up. We don't have much time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. I'm sure he was just lusting in his heart. He's such a Christian man that's what he would consider "over the line."

    He'll only admit to sucking and/or licking or receiving sucking and/or licking if there's video.

  2. Some "friend" of his must have a dress with a stain on it.

  3. Anonymous1:48 PM

    >“GenJCChristian Homewood: I hope you'll demonstrate some bi-partisanship and join >us for this important cause. >

    >On Tuesday, Gov. Mark Sanford (R-Values) basically declared that fellatio is not a >sexual act. It's time Linden Labs recognized that too and allowed residents to put blow >jobs in dance balls on pg-rated sims. Help us bring attention to this injustice by joining >us for a BJs for Dance Balls vigil at Torley Linden's place.”

    Thank-you General for your kind request for support, however, I can not do so. This is because Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD’s) are frequently spread by fellatio. Therefore, by definition, this would make it a sexual act. The Governor is simply wrong. To encourage millions to practice unprotected, promiscuous sex in this way, will statistically cause more deaths, with more ruined marriages, and families. To my mind therefore, it is wrong. In my opinion, all sex, including this sort should be voluntarily limited by moral people, to occur only between one man, and one woman, faithfully married for life.

  4. Anonymous1:50 PM

    Sorry for the wrong ID - but I pushed my neice's ID by mistake, and discovered that my old one is no longer functioning.

    Ron Skytower

  5. Also, no act can be considered sexual if you don't like doing it. As I live in a constant state of shame about something that happened to me in the thrid grade, I cannot enjoy such acts and thus no act I perform can be considered sexual.

  6. Yeah Ron. Erin is you niece.

  7. Anonymous6:19 PM

    You use your niece’s blogger ID? Eeeewwww.

  8. And, once again, we see the typical liberal dodge of personal attacks rather than addressing the issue. How typical, and how pathetic. What is it with you liberals and sex anyway? Can't you ever control yourselves long enough to get home to your spouse? Yeesh.

  9. General, Sir:

    Ron Skytower? Isn't that the manlymans that you had such a contretemp with some time back. How did that naked, Spartan wrestling thing work out. Was it the fortress of solitude or did Ron get his Cave of Shame re-spackled?

    Al Perrin:

    Why, yes, Al; yes we do control ourselves long enough to get home to your spouse.

  10. I was under the impression that if an act involved orgasms, it was sex. And, if it did not involve orgasms, it might just be bad sex.

  11. is tossing salads and teabagging sex? I think not!!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.